A twisted Tale of Ranma
by GabrielsThoughts
Summary: In an alternate universe Ranma finds himself in a living hell, and realizes that his life was a whole lot less complicated before he allowed the Demon Mara to grant his wish... Sailor Moon Ranma Crossover minor OMG cross.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: Ranma, Ah my goddess, and Sailor Moon belong to their peeps. I am not profiting off my short story, because if I was I'd be writing professionally for a major motion picture studio or something, considering I'm not an English major, don't expect much. However, I do own my Ideas.

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**A Twisted Tale of Ranma**

Written By Gabriel R Lopez

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Since every Ranma story has one of three beginnings, I'll just state simply that this is an alterverse story that takes place after the Saffron incident, and occurs before the failed wedding… because Ranma can't kick ass without all his badass super powers.

Ok lets start with the cliché of Ranma sitting of the roof of the Tendo Dojo looking up into the stars, after just having killed a really big bird monster in China…well that was a spectacular battle, 1,500 people should write about the pain and anguish felt by Ranma Saotome, the event was that epic. Ranma Saotome killed an immortal Birdman…'wait If he was immortal, how could I kill him' the tumblers of logic fell into place and Ranma no longer felt guilty about being a mass murderer. The 10,000 people in Nermia who had almost died as a result of injuries sustained during Ranma's battles with Moose, Ryoga, Kuno, Akane, Pantyhose, Herb, Happosi, Genma, Ukyo and Kodachi could all rest easy now.

"I think I'll order a pizza" Ranma thought aloud, a huge weight lifted off his shoulders, and there is no better way to celebrate than with a pie made of flatbread, tomatoes, cheese, some Japanese stuff that I don't know about because the author is an American, mushrooms and pepperoni …

As Ranma picked the phone off of the receiver there was a weird buzzing sensation that one might compare to a spider sense, that went off, It usually warned him when something bad was going to happen. 'Oh well, lets not worry about that now. ' Ranma thought to himself as he scratched his behind, and started dialing the digits for the local Dominos'. "Hello You have reached the Demonic Grief Office please stay on the line and a representative will be with you shortly" Ranma quickly put the phone back on the receiver and dialed again… "WHAT PART OF STAY ON THE LINE DID YOU NOT UNDERSTAND MORON!!!"

'Wow, Dominos customer service representatives are mean' Ranma thought as he hung up the phone. As he walked to the bathroom to take a leak, Ranma figured it would be safer to go to Ukyo's and pick up a Hamburger, since that McDonalds franchise had forcefully taken over her restaurant's operations Ukyo was now spending her days counting money and buying stupid things like fancy clothes and designer shoes. As Ranma lifted up the toilet seat a very angry looking blonde poked her head out of the toilet, this was shortly followed by the rest of her, and she didn't look to happy about it.

"LISTEN YOU IDIOT, WHAT PART OF STAY ON THE LINE DIDN'T YOU UNDERSTAND!!!" the blonde shouted. Ranma looked curiously at the toilet, trying to figure out how the woman from dominoes managed such a feat…Ranma then momentarily wondered if he could stand in the toilet and flush himself down and wind up somewhere else…nah, that would be stupid, he silently laughed to himself at the blondes stupidity. Meanwhile the blonde was annoyed by the boy's ignorance. "Listen up Boy, My name is Mara, you get one wish and one wish only. So make it snappy!"

"OMG! You're the toilet fairy!" Ranma had always wanted to see the toilet fairy ever since his father told him that if he left enough presents in the magical basin, the toilet fairy would grant his wishes, he thought it was disgusting, and later dismissed it with Santa Clause as just another one of those lies his father had told him.

"NO, I'm a Demon. Because you caused the pain and suffering of more than 10,000 souls…not including that annoying Ryoga kid who keeps wandering the depths of hell every weekend, or the rest of the so called Nermia Wreaking Crew, you get one free wish No limitations, No strings attatched. Personally I'd recommend a wish to kill your father, But, then agan as a demon I'm bias. " Mara brushed her fingernails on her jacket, before looking at the back of her palm in impatience.

"You're not planning to take my soul as payment or anything are you?" Ranma asked

"Don't be ridiculous, you father sold that to us years ago." Mara scoffed.

"Then I wish I didn't have to go through with this wedding, nor ' ANY WEDDING' my father arranged"

"Granted…thanks for the memories" Mara jumped in the toilet bowl and vanished as Ranma just stood there like an idiot waiting for something to happen.

"DAMMIT! I should have wished for something substantial." Ranma cursed and mourned for the loss of his wish.

Meanwhile in a parallel dimension …

"Fighting evil by moon light, winning love by day light, you can never beat her in a fair fight, she is the one named sailor moon!!!" Usagi Moonstone sang to herself as she ran to the shrine to meet her friends… little did she know of the horrible future that awaited her.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I do not own Ranma Saotome, Serena Moonstone, Usagi Tsukino, Bunny Tsukino, nor any other variant of Sailor Moon, I do not own hello kitty, I do not have any rights to the characters in this story. However, My Ideas are my own, go figure.

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**A twisted Tale of Ranma**

**Chapter 2**

Written by Gabriel R. Lopez

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Mara's transportation medium was circles, any circular object from a toilet bowl to a compact disk could easily transport the demon from one location to another, unfortunately because some people take a joke too seriously, Mara had earned the reputation of being known as the toilet fairy… and since watching Ranma was favorite schadenfreude pastime on Niflhem, Mara was now the laughing stock of the entire underworld.

Obviously since Mara was granting a demonic wish it would be granted with the full force and authority as any heavenly wish, with one exception, Yggdrasil had already established the wish was redundant and it was obvious to everyone except Ranma that he would never go through with any wedding his father arranged. Therefore the wish was wasted, and since Mara didn't have to do anything to make Ranma's life miserable her job was completed in a matter of seconds… at least that's what she thought.

Mara walked into her luxury apartment somewhere in Tokyo, on every wall, and in every room there was hello kitty merchandise. Mara had become obsessed with _Hello Kitty, _from the time she first witnessed the bizarrely shaped feline, she knew it was the second coming of the Anti-Christ. Mara's obsession with the coming of her dark lord and master extended to realms beyond midgard, as she had also purchased the _World of Warcraft: Hello Kitty _expansion pack. She was still trying to figure out why she paid 15 dollars a month to constantly get destroyed by the Demon Knight KronoSkuld. Mara's thoughts of eventually destroying Kronoskuld were cut short when her hello kitty cell phone started ringing.

"Hello?" Mara asked

"Did you grant Ranma's wish " It was Hild…the big boss.

"Well, my eyes didn't glaze over, my markings didn't do anything special, and there was no spectacular light show , but yeah I granted his wish. Why, is there a problem?" Mara was confused

"Yes, and no…you said granted, even though Yggdrasil rejected the wish." Hild then cleared her throat

"I don't follow" Mara was beginning to worry.

" let's just say its in your best interest, to keep an eye on Ranma for the time being" the conversation ended Mara wondered what the heck that was supposed to mean.

Elsewhere….

"WAHHHHHHH!" the demon of unrequited love cried, anyone unfamiliar with this teenage boy would say he sounds like a big sissy…of course anyone familiar with him, knew his true name was Ryoga, and in order to explain his presence in hell on the weekends Hild gave him the unofficial title as a joke, even gave him the scrolls for the Shishi Hokodan. The reason he was behaving like a big whine baby was because he was recently dumped by Akari. No, she didn't dump him officially, he came to this conclusion all on his own. He knew she had dumped him for her pet sumo pig Katsunshiki, who was clearly Ranma in disguse … Honestly, hugging her sumo-pig, and scratching him behind the ears, and kissing him on the forehead. A sane person would have realized Akari had been treating Katsunshiki like a pet. Not Ryoga, he was jealous. Akane did those sorts of things with p-chan all the time while they were dating. Ryoga's face turned into an expression of anger as his mind had once again altered the state of reality to blame Ranma. He failed to realize Akane was unaware that he and P-chan were the same being, but then again Ryoga was not exactly the sharpest tool in the shed.

"RANMA THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!!!" Could be heard throughout Kyoto. Then Ryoga smirked evilly as he thought of the little surprise he had in store for Ranma.

Meanwhile…

Ranma sneezed in a horrible cliché, as he put on his tuxedo…stupid toilet fairy getting his hopes up like that, and then and then to just leave him twisting in the wind. The chaos that is Ranma's life had him in a tuxedo less than 15 minutes after making his wish. "what the-" ranma soon realized he was dressed like a penguin "What the heck am I wearing?" Ranma asked no one in particular as he looked at the digital clock on the nightstand in the guest room. Although he could tell 15 minutes had passed since he went into the bathroom, for the avatar of chaos it was as if he was in the bathroom one minute, and the next it was as if someone beat him over the head with a shovel.

"it's called a tuxedo son," Soun, and his parents appeared as if by magic…damn that

toilet fairy! "you have to dress appropriately for your wedding."

"My what?" Ranma had a 'oh hell no' look on his face.

"Son, Akane has consented to the wedding isn't that wonderful?" Genma slapped Ranma on his back shoulder in congratulations. Ranma was about to kill his old man when he noticed his mother was there as well.

"oh, my son is so manly. My how dashing Ranma looks in a tuxedo."

Mara stared in horror at the television screen in her apartment as Ranma finished his bow tie in the mirror. "Frak me! FRAK ME! how stupid could I be!?" of course being a demon Mara used a more colorful language than was acceptable for people under the age of 18, however the language she spoke was more frequently spoken by 13 year olds and Sailors.

Mara had to do something quick, or she would be…thoughts of the tentacle monsters and dolphins singing "I love you, you love me" in the section of hell that was reserved for a certain large purple dinosaur sent shivers down her spine. It was at that moment that she had a real monster of a bad Idea, well a bad Idea was better than no idea at all. Mara Quickly rushed into the bathroom and flushed herself down the toilet.

Moments later she came out of a vortex through a donut hole Ryoga was eating. Ryoga wasn't sure at first, but somehow his was Ranma's fault. "Quickly, we don't have much time. I need you to help me stop Ranma from getting married." The blonde ordered.

Ryoga stared at the woman. She was obviously another one of Ranma's fiancés, how Ranma could string all these women along never ceased to amaze the fanged martial artist. And, now Ranma had just ruined his enjoyment of a freshly baked chocolate glazed donut with sprinkles. "FOR RUINING MY HAPPINESS, I WILL DESTROY YOU ONCE AND FOR ALL RANm-"

"Yeah, yeah, save it for the wedding jackass." Mara grabbed his collar as she dragged him through the donut hole only to reappear moments later escaping from the Tendo family royal throne. Ryoga and Mara landed in a heap on the bathroom floor. Ryoga then got to his feet and with the assistance of Mara managed to get lost three feet from where the wedding was taking place. But soon Ryoga heard the terrified screams of civilians, being a hero Ryoga smashed through the nearest wall launching Genma Saotome face first into a wedding cake. The scene was total chaos, and it appeared Mara didn't need to ruin the wedding after all, The Nermia Wreaking Crew had done an excellent job on their own. Mara was in shock, there was no way she was going to get herself further involved in this insane asylum.

It was at that moment Ryoga noticed the cask of naniichuan "Nanniichuan HERE? RANMA YOU BASTARD!" Ranma must have had a cask hidden at the dojo the whole time, it made perfect sense now. Ranma tricked him into falling in love with Akari, so that he could keep the only remaining cask of Naniichuan. "RANMA PREPARE TO DIE!!!"

In the midst of all the chaos a man spotted Mara, her foreign appearance, her flowing blonde hair, her nice big juicy boobs. "Sweeto!" The man cried as latched himself onto her chest, and that's when it happened the cask and all its contents drenched a very angry toilet fairy and the parasite clinging to him…

Judging from the red and black aura coming off the creatures body, it was safe to assume he was male, and royally pissed off. He slowly peeled off Happosi, the grand pervert of anything goes. Hapossi was mumbling in fear, for the first time in a hundred years he feared for his own life, and was using the Saotome crouching tiger technique to his advantage "Oh please forgive me great and powerful-"

"SHUT…UP." Mara-kun growled in a voice that made effective use of both sets of his vocal cords. Everyone stopped fighting except Ranma and Ryoga who were still duking it out. If she could summon a ball of lightning, rest assured Happosi would have been dead in an instant. As it stood she, or he, Mara ,or whatever 'it' called itself now had wasted so much energy she barely had enough to rip the perverted master apart molecule by molecule. within a matter of seconds, a huge magical ball of ki was headed straight for both Happosi and Mara-kun. The disaster was averted however when it was intercepted by the brawling Ranma and Ryoga, the two had rolled in the path of the oncoming attack. Ryoga on top of Ranma when he turned to see what had terrified his rival.There was a blinding flash of light. Then nothing. All that was left of the two matial artists was a charred hole in the ground.

Of course it was Haposi's most trusted students, Genma and Soun who came to the rescue of their master by producing a scroll that would open the gateway to a parallel dimension called the moon kingdom. A horrifying place that was supposedly filled with uber powerful man hating lesbians, the scroll was 10,000years old, give or take a century or two. They had been waiting for an opportunity to destroy their master once and for all, unfortunately he was rarely distracted from their schemes. Genma and Soun quickly summoned as much ki as they could manage to destroy the thing and their master and then fired the blasts with a unified cry of "BREAKFEAST SERVED EVERYDAY CHEERY SODA HEART ATTACK" of course if you translate it into English the attack sounds really ungodly stupid, but in the ancient tongue… anyway the attack was a success, only it vaporized the wrong demon and martial arts master. It would appear that Ranma and Ryoga were tragically vaporized. Oh well, C'est la vie.

Mara-kun, having seen two humans with demigod like power vaporized decided to get lost while the getting was good, and found the nearest circular object through which she or whatever it was used to escape. Haposi had a heart attack and never made it out of the hospital, Genma and Soun weap over the loss of Ranma. The fiance's moved on with their lives. Akane never figured out that her P-chan and Ryoga were the same person, and after searching everywhere for him. Nabiki and Kasumi felt sorry for Akane, so they found p-chan's doppelganger at a flea market and then pretended to run over her with a car. And, so it was Ranma and Ryoga never returned, but this is only the beginning of a whole new adventure.


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: Warning the author is not responsible for loss of sanity, fits of hysteria, or any injuries sustained while giggling like an idiot. This is a crossover, see first chapter for details.

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**A twisted Tale of Ranma**

**Chapter 3**

Written by Gabriel R. Lopez

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"What would Brian Boitano do if he was here right now; he's make a plan and he see it through; that's what Brian Boitano'd do…" Usagi was skipping happily, while singing in broken English as she progressed along the path that would eventually lead her to a shrine where all her friends were waiting for her. Usagi had been doing this for nearly fifteen minutes, switching off between the SailorMoon theme song and Southpark's infamous anthem. Much to the relief of glass and citizens' eardrums Usagi stopped singing when she saw a flash, and within moments there was a pillar of orange smoke coming from the park near the shrine…no doubt here friends would be there to aid her shortly. The girl with golden blonde hair and pigtails then changed course and headed for the disturbance.

The other sailor scouts however, where not heading for the disturbance, as they were busy discussing how they were going to break the news that there wasn't a sailor moon during the silver millennium. A mistake had been made, and it was clear Usagi was incapable of leading them to victory against the dark forces of evil. The first order of business after stripping Usagi of her power was to find the Moon Princess. Despite Luna's protests that they were all making a HUGE mistake, and Usagi while not a sailor scout was the moon princess; it was obvious to everyone else that Usagi was nothing more than an immature crybaby who always complained about fighting evil.

Elsewhere Ranma and Ryoga were at the center of the disturbance Usagi had witnessed moments earlier. And, while they had been transported to another world the two were so caught up in their heated battle they hadn't noticed the change in location. Ryoga found an opening and used his super human strength to launch Ranma into a tree. The distance between Ranma and Ryoga was now enough that the two bull headed fighters realized they weren't they had started. The two finally had a little breathing room, and Ranma was the first to speak.

"What the hell is wrong with you?!" Ranma wiped the blood dripping out of his nose on the sleeve of his Tuxedo

"For destroying my happiness, I shall destroy yours!" Ryoga then struck a valiant pose.

"BWAH HA HA HA HA! You Honestly think I'm happy?" Ranma asked.

"You dare mock my suffering, your life is like that of …of … Paris Hilton."

"Paris Hilton?" who the hell was this Paris Hilton guy anyway? Ranma had heard the name mentioned before by Hiroshi and others in connection with something called the internet… wait "EW!"

"Ok, maybe your life isn't exactly like Paris Hilton's. But , your life is still better than mine, so there!" Ryoga then reached into his pocket and pulled out a vile of an amber colored liquid. "But that doesn't matter now, I've been waiting for the opportunity to use this against you Ranma. I'll not let you destroy my happiness AGAIN!" Ryoga then tossed the vile to the ground, and the flask burst open releasing an noxious orange smoke that encompassed the two martial artists. Ranma shut his eyes quickly because they felt as if they were on fire. Ryoga started laughing. "what's the matter Ranma. Can't fight what you can't see." Ranma was about to open his eyes again and kick the living pork roast into lower earth orbit when a pair of calloused hands covered his eyes.

"If I were you I wouldn't open your eyes Ranma."Ryoga whispered

Jonathan Swift wrote, A man without patience is without his soul, those were the first words in the English language Ranma had ever understood. This was one of those times he had kept his eyes closed and his ears open. "What was in the vile Ryoga?"

"The vial? Ah, I picked up that little gem while I was wandering around South America, Canada, or Australia somewhere. Anyway, where I got it isn't important, what is important it that its magical properties will turn you into the first thing you see when you open your eyes. Considering we're in the middle of a park; it won't be long before you goof and open your eyes to look at a rock, or a tree, or a park bench and then you'll cease to exist as a sentient life form. "

"You're planning on taking my place!" Ranma congratulated himself for having seen through Ryoga's plan.

"Afraid not. While the magic has many properties, it doesn't effect someone with the Hibiki family curse."

"I don't follow" Ranma was now puzzled.

"I think it should be fairly obvious. Now think, why is it I couldn't see through your disguises, why is it I get lost so frequently, how is it I can't find you if you move more two or three yards away."

Ranma gasped, had Ryoga been toying with him this whole time?

"That's right Ranma, Except for the trick of the eyes, every member of the Hibiki clan is completely blind." the sound of crickets chirping then filled the air.

"Whew, what a relief for a second there I actually thought you were smart." Ranma was relieved to learn that he hadn't underestimated Ryoga at all.

"What!" Ryoga was infuriated as he removed his hands from covering Ranma's eyes and pushed him to the ground.

Ranma rolled into a sitting position "Of course, Now that I know your handicapped I can't honestly say I'm really impressed."

"Not even a little?" Ryoga flared his aura in a display that was lost on Ranma "Surely, you recognize the brilliance of my plan for destroying you"

"Nah, I've heard better from Kuno siblings, and MuTsu on occasion. " Ranma said honestly as he took off his cummerbund and used it to make a crude blindfold. He then got up took a fighting stance "Shall we continue?"

"Damn you Ranma, PREPARE TO DIE!" Ryoga was about to use the breaking point technique when-

"HALT VILLAiN!" cried a girl wearing strange looking sailor fuku. By the time she arrived at the scene the smoke had cleared, and it was obvious the girl wasn't sure who the villain was. However, it was safe to assume the good looking one wearing the tuxedo was at a disadvantage.

"For …uh…" dammit, Usagi didn't know what the guy with the bandanna had done wrong, much less his name, oh well time to improvise. "Prepare to face justice Nega-creep! I am sailor moon, and In the name of the moon I will punish you!" Usagi then struck a pose that was lost on the two blind martial artists

"Huh?" was the simultaneous response from the bickering martial artists.

"MOON TIARA ACTION!!!" 'SLAM' the boomerang knocked Ryoga into a fire hydrant less than 6 feet away, this of course triggered his curse and, the drenched pig soon wandered off to parts unknown leaving his clothes and backpack behind.

It didn't take long for Ranma to figure out what happened. Being blind, even temporarily, did nothing to affect his hearing, and he had enough experience to recognize the sound of running water. What he had missed was the rest of the fire hydrant being launched into the air then ricocheting on a returning magical boomerang followed by the 'CLANG' as it landed on his head.

Usagi winced when she saw that she had knocked the guy in the tuxedo unconscious. Ok, she could handle this. At least there weren't any photographers around like the last time. Meeting her friends at the shine would have to wait until… you know his body seemed awfully limp. Usagi decided to check for a pulse, using the fallen boy's wrist…why didn't she pay more attention in gym class. 'Oh God!, I'VE KILLED HIM.' Of course if she had paid attention in gym class she would have known Ranma was still alive, just unconscious.

"Crap, I have to hide the body!" well there was no way she was going to the shrine now, they'd probably strip her of her powers as the sailor suited heroine of justice…

After looking around once more to make sure their weren't any reporters Usagi slung Ranma's unconscious body over her shoulder and decided to hide his body in her bedroom closet until she could figure this all out.

In the distance a piglet squealed in delight as he could only fantasize about what Ranma would turn into, if only that retarded looking girl in the sailor fuku hadn't shown up… ironically at that moment a group of small children who normally picked on defenseless moon cats discovered Ryoga and beat him within an inch of his life. Ryoga only managed to escape because his tail snapped off and he ran away as fast as piggy legs could carry him…into oncoming traffic. It was at that moment Ryoga caused a massive twelve car pileup, as the little piglet rushed across the street to safety. If only an honest, kind, and caring person had saved him the whole disaster could have been averted.


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: I own my thoughts and nothing more…see first chapter for details. Sammy Moonstone belongs to who ever dreamed up the effeminate bishonen? little brother of sailor moon.

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**Twisted Tale of Ranma**

**Chapter 4**

Written by Gabriel R. Lopez

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"I think I should be leader, I've been a sailor scout the longest" Minako pleaded.

"I fail to see how that would make a difference, you're practically Usagi's clone." Rei argued.

"I'm nothing like Usagi, Take that back Rei!"

"same hair, same brains, same useless advisor... A series of knock of manga, and stupid toys" Rei counted off all the similarities between Minako and Usagi.

"Actually Rei I think Minako's manga came out first… not that I keep track of things like that." Ami piped in.

"Hey! Just who are you calling useless? I can assure you that I'm not nearly as forgetful or incompetent as Luna" Artemis chimed in.

"Oh please, when was the last time you did anything useful? " Luna cried from a pet carrier. The others had locked Luna in the carrier as a way to keep her from warning Usagi that they intended to strip her of her powers.

"I don't have to answer that. You just have to face the fact that I'm better than you are." In all honesty neither moon cat was very useful to the sailor scouts.

Oh really, well… You're Just…You're just a meanie! " Luna hissed

"You smell funny!" Artemis then stuck out his tounge

" At least I'm not a stinky rat faced poo poo head." Luna growled

"I know you are, but what am I?" Artemis then blew a raspberry

" The word Nimrod comes to mind." Luna replied

"QUIET!" Makoto shouted. Everyone present immediately piped down. "has anyone noticed Usagi is 45 minutes late?"

"She's always 45 minutes late. How is this any different?" Ami asked

" Well for starters-" Makoto started before being rudely interrupted

"My butt's chapped." Luna commented aloud, as she started licking herself where the sun don't shine.

" Ok, what I meant to say was that Usagi is 45minutes later than usual" Makoto finished.

"OH!" came a unified comment from the rest of the group except luna.

Elsewhere…

It was a good thing Ranma was unconscious because the cummerbund, which wasn't secure to begin with, had fallen off. Had he been conscious however he would have had a nice view of sailor moon's dirty underwear. One could only imagine the horrifying existence Ranma would have had to suffer as a pair of Usagi's underwear, or even as a sailor fuku. Fortunately, he had been knocked unconscious due to the bungling antics of sailor moon, and for the time being was safe from harm. Less than a block from her home Sailor Moon used the luna pen to disguise sailor moon as Usagi Moonstone the half American daughter of award winning photographer Armando Moonstone , and Sailor V's videogame Designer Kikuyu Tsukino. Somehow, Usagi also managed to use the luna pen to disguise Ranma's dead body as a case of ramen noodles, and carried him though the front with great difficulty.

Armando had wanted to name his daughter Serena, but his wife insisted that it was the mothers right to name their daughter, so when the opportunity arose he insisted that they name their son Samuel… unfortunately this caused problems as even his mother couldn't pronounce it right and he was mostly called Sami which caused further problems when determining the gender of the androgynous boy. " Hey, you need help with that?" Sammy asked in a voice that was almost identical to Usagi's. Sammy put down the channel clicker and went to the door to help his big sister. Being twelve, Sami would occasionally use his nerd like muscles, to help their mom carry groceries into the house…there is no way a case of ramen noodles should be that heavy "God, what did they put in this thing, a dead body?" One look at his sisters face.

"OMG! IT IS A DEAD BODY!!!" Sammy immediately dropped the case of ramen noodles which turned into the body of a martial artist in a tuxedo as it landed on the ground. Usagi then summoned some kind of wand she was unfamiliar with and then beat Sammy over the head with it repeatedly until he was unconscious…had luna been there Usagi would have known what it was, and above all how to use it, unfortunately all she knew about it was a vague memory that it was used for "Moon Honey Escflowne" and Usagi momentarily hoped it wasn't princess serenity's dildo…"who's princess Serenity?" Usagi wondered as she returned the wand to hammerspace.

Sammy awoke about a half hour later tied up with whatever was available in Usagi's closet with a headache, he was laying on Usagi's bed and THE DEAD BODY WAS RIGHT ON TOP OF HIM!!!

"AHHHHHHHHHHH!" Sammy's screams were loud enough to wake the dead. Which became immediately apparent when the guy in the tuxedo opened his eyes took one look him, transformed into his double and then started screaming like a girl too. The screaming continued for about five minutes before the two Sammie's stopped and Ranma realized he was now in the possession of a working mind.

Being a latchkey kid had some advantages. Usagi had access to her mother's ATM and pin number; and Usagi was in the process of purchasing a shovel, some lighter fluid and other things she figured might help her dispose of the bodies quickly… curse the Dark Kingdom, the Negaverse, and that really bad man with the bandanna. If it weren't for them she wouldn't have killed her annoying little brother and the innocent man in the Tuxedo. Oh well…moments later Usagi heard familiar girlish screams of terror in the distance, 'darn, I should have stuffed one of my socks in Sammy's mouth before I left.' Usagi thought as she left the hardware store, transformed into Sailor moon and quickly returned home.


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: see other chapters for details.

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**A Twisted Tale of Ranma**

**Chapter 5**

written by Gabriel R. Lopez

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"HOLD IT RIGHT THERE SAILOR MOON!!!" a voice called out from the distance… it was Mina and a gang of teenage girls dressed as sailor scouts, senshi, or cheerleaders of justice, depending who you asked. The group of teenage crime fighters stopped Usagi on her way home from the hardware store. In her left hand Usagi was holding bag containing lighter fluid, and some strong rope, in her right slung over her shoulder like a scythe was a pickax.

"Hi, guys. What's Up?" Usagi momentarily wondered if they knew what she was up too. After all murder was a serious business, and it would be kind of hard to fight off the Negaverse by herself. The others helped, but most of the time it was just her and Luna fighting off the villain of the week with some help from Tuxedo Mask… at times Usagi would wonder if Tuxedo Mask was actually a stalker, he always just seemed to show up after frapping off in the bushes long enough scare off the bad guy. This brought up other questions about Mask's Identity. Usagi thought he was gorgeous, but she started to shudder when she thought of the possibility he might be Melvin Butters. Thoughts such as these, and more plagued Usagi constantly, and having attention deficit disorder didn't help matters. Her mind would constantly wonder off and think of nonsensical things that had nothing to do with the moment at hand. Usagi then momentarily wondered about the sunset and what she was going to do with the dead body… bodies, Right! she would have to dispose of the body of her little brother too. All these thoughts and more came to a screeching halt when she realized she was looking at the other sailor scouts in battle formation. Why were they in battle formation? Had they discovered her secret? Like a goldfish Usagi momentarily forgot the last two seconds of useless thought…

"Your ineffectual leadership has almost cost our lives for the last time Sailor Moon" Makoto cried, and struck a pose like a drunken power ranger. Usagi momentarily wondered if she looked that stupid when she did her 'in the name of the moon I will punish you' skit. Sure it was a rip off of Sailor V's drama poses from that fashion magazine but to actually witness it for the first time from the villians perspective it was a wonder the enemy did break down in insane laughter.

"You're not still upset over the charity thing are you"

"Hand over the locket with the imperial crystal, and no one has to get hurt."

"why should I?" Usagi was certain that they hadn't faced off against any major villains for months now. In fact, Usagi was almost certain the only truly evil villain they had faced off against from the Negaverse was Jadeite. Sure there was that fight with the Yakuza a while back but the armor piercing bullets felt like they were fired from a paintball guns, and that bullet that bounced off Rei's eyeball didn't cause any permanent damage…

"YOU ASKED US TO BUNGEE JUMP OFF TOKYO TOWER AND THEN FORGOT TO TIE OFF ANYONE'S ROPE BUT YOURS!!!" Makoto Screamed.

".." ok, that one was her fault. But it was a publicity stunt to raise money for the orphan babies, and the important thing was that no one got hurt. 'It's a good thing I haven't told them I also signed a contract with LillyMu granting them exclusive rights to everything SailorMoon.' I can only imagine how Mina, Makoto, and Rei will react when they find out Gonard was going to play the role of sailor V, Mars, and Jupiter' Usagi thought of this and that as her mind once again wondered off in yet another direction. Before once again forgetting anything that held no meaning to a sane person.

"Ok fine, You want the locket? Usagi de transformed from sailor moon and handed it over. It wasn't like she needed anymore that she had that crescent moon dildo…uh wand… and somehow she instinctively she knew she could use it to summon the imperial crystal if it was needed anyway. This reminded her of the luna pen which she liberated from the Sailor V console at the arcade…and the talking cat…wait where was Luna anyway?

Elsewhere Luna was being 'deprogrammed' by Artemis which consisted of the white moon cat using a medallion and waving it slowly back and fourth to mesmerize Luna with his paws in the air.

"You are getting sleeeeeeeeeeepy, very sleeeeeeeeepy" He said slowly " now I'm going to count to three and you are going to listen to everything I say One…two… three…" he then looked and waved his left paw in front of the pet Carrier to make sure Luna was now under his control like a good zombie. "good girl Now I want you to tell me why you think Usagi is princess serenity."

Luna responded slowly and without emotion, " I knew she was sailor moon because when I first saw her there was a crescent moon shaped mark on her head, but there is no sailor moon so therefore she must be the princess"

"you are mistaken, Usagi is to stupid to replace a light bulb she couldn't possibly be a leader, it was a trick of the light" Artemis said calmly.

"Usagi is to stupid to screw in a light bulb, I made a mistake, it was a trick of the light." Luna responded in monotone.

"Artemis is sexy, you want to have his babies" Artemis had a cunning look on his face.

"Artemis is sexy, I want to have his babies" Luna again responded in monotone although it seemed more forced this time, as if she was talking through her teeth. Artemis dismissed it as sound interference through the crate

"Ok, I'm going to open the crate now, and you are going to assume the position." Oh how clever Artemis was he knew she wanted him, it was her heat cycle after all. He opened the crate…but something wasn't right, these where the last thoughts he rememberd before saw the flash of claws across the bridge of his nose, and unending feeling severe pain as Luna tore him up one side and down the other.

Artemis unlike Luna had no experience fighting off other Cats, annoying little children, and he didn't have brats named Sammy kicking him down a flight of stairs on a daily basis. It should come as no surprise Luna had a lot of pent up rage and aggression, and if this pampered little slug thought he could get away raping her he had another thing coming.

Meanwhile in another part of town Ranma checked to see that he was definitely male "I'M NEVER GOING TO BE A GIRL AGAIN, BWAH HAHAHAHAHAHA!" or at least that was what he thought. Ranma cheered in his oversized Tuxedo as Sammy watched in confusion.

"Um, kitsune-sama, I am very happy that you are not a girl, but would you concider untying me?"

"Kitsune-Sama?" Ranma asked puzzled.

"Oh…what would you have me call you then… Kitsunechan?" Sammy wasn't sure what other animals in Japanese mythology transformed so he made his best guess based on limited information.

"Call me Ranma" the unusual doppleganger of Sammy Moonstone smiled nervously.

"Ranma, If it isn't to much of a problem. would you mind untying me now?" Sammy asked

"Oh! Right." Ranma wasn't quite used to his new voice, but immediately set to work untying the mirror image of his current form. Ranma fumbled with his new fingers as they were clumsy and more used to performing searches on Google and playing videogames than the precision of theft, and escape as taught in the Saotome School of Anything Goes. Also, the tuxedo kept getting in the way of his fingers similar to the way Mu-tsu's cloak often did.

Ranma asked Sammy a few questions and visa versa ad by the time he had finished releasing sammy from his sister's night gown, three bra's and a pair of frilly underwear that had been used to bind Sammy. The two had become fast friends. Sammy decided to lend Ranma a hoodie and a pair of shorts, because the Tuxedo smelled like pickle brine and it was just too darn big. Another reason for the clothing exchange was because Ranma tripped over his pants and almost knocked over a vase filled with water and just about fell into the toilet of the bathroom across the hall. If he hadn't regained his balance within moments of exiting Usagi's bedroom. Ironically at the same time Ranma managed to trip over the carpet and catch the vase without spilling a single drop.

Luna smiled as she returned through the cat door at the bottom of the stairs…she momentarily remembered how she punished Artemis minutes ago.

"Now, lets play this game again shall we?" Luna had a cruel expression on her face a she smiled in a very evil manner.

"Yes master…" Artimis responded in monotone, his eyes were glassed over and there was no sign of intelligence left on his face… although the scars were pretty visible.

" Artimis, you are girl, you are named after the mythical goddess of the hunt and you want nothing more than to find the biggest tom cat you can find and…actually that seems kind of cruel. Ok, Artimis You are to talk like a baby, and act like a girl until I and I alone say the word Slug, and every time you hear or see the word K-mart regardless of who says it you will start talking like a baby, and acting like a girl." Oh this would be fun, as often as often as the girls mentioned K-mart, shopping, and Mina showed Artemis the price tags, this would keep her entertained for months. Luna smirked as the thoughts of revenge were pushed aside at the moment she entered the Moonstone residence. and then she saw her worst nightmare.

Standing before her was the antichrist, walking out of the kitchen followed by another more terrifying vision of chaos. One was wearing a hoodie and shorts the other was wearing a pink sailor moon T-Shirt and blue jeans. The one with the hoodie immediately screamed "CAAAT!!!" upon seeing Luna's horrified expression. Immediately dropping the tray of ramen noodles he was holding, and moving so fast his shadow could barely keep up with him. The boy in the hoodie backed into the other Sammy, causing the confused boy to throw his glass of cold apple juice at the first Sammy in self defense, which in turn, caused a chain reaction of chaos. The first Sammy then turned into a pink haired girl with a pigtail in the back and both Sammies fell on top of each other in a heap. The pink haired girl looked back to see a confused Luna and then scrambled back into the kitchen and found a dead end. Backed into a corner next to a cabinet, the pink haired girl curled into a fetal position, covered her face and started crying, and chanting about cats, and how she didn't want daddy to throw her in there again.


	6. Chapter 6

Disclaimer: I do not own Kappa Mikey, I do not own Sailor moon and I absolutely do not own Ranma ½

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**A Twisted Tale of Ranma**

**Chapter 5**

Written by Gabriel R. Lopez

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Ryoga had spent the last 45 minutes trying to get back to the park where he had left his pack. Unfortunately, when Ryoga transformed into P-chan unexpectedly, he had gained the power of sight. For someone who is accustomed to using echo location, smell, touch, and aural perception to experience the world around him, the assault colors and light on his much smaller piglet sized brain often caused intense disorientation … which of course brings us to a very confused, very lost, and very scared piglet hoping to find his stuff before-

"Charlotte! Is that you"

'OH GOD NO!' Ryoga froze as his eyes shrunk into pinpricks and his spine tingled as if someone had walked over his grave…Ryoga tried to run as fast as his little legs could carry him, unfortunately he still wasn't fast enough to escape from the clutches of evil.

"Ooh Charlotte, Azusa missed her little girl, oh yes she did." and Ryoga was immediately squeezed within an inch of his life by the young kleptomaniac.

"that isn't Charlotte" her companion, a perverted young man named Mikado said through half lidded eyes.

"How can you tell?" Azusa asked.

"Quite simple really", he then upended the pig and showed Azusa it's backside "see, it's a girl."

"you silly goose, Charlotte has always been a girl" Azusa replied, Mikado just rolled his eyes at her ignorance. "oh, your poor baby, momma won't let you out of her sight ever again!"

"Bwee!!!" Charlotte tried once more to make a desperate escape but her little piggy body was no match for Azusa's awesome girly strength. 'Ok, new plan' thought the boy formerly known as P-chan 'if I fart in her face she'll have to let me go!" once again Ryoga congratulated himself for coming up with a brilliant plan… unfortunately putting it into action required him to use a variation of the dreaded Saotome pull my finger technique. Ranma had shown him how to use the dreaded technique back when the two of them went to the same middle school, before the bread feud Ranma and Ryoga had been buddies. One day while the two were lighting up their farts in the school tool shed, Ranma showed him how to release the attack with deadly accuracy, and how to make it smell like everything from apple pie to rotting flesh. Charlotte popped a fluffy and hoped smelled as bad the foulest thing she could think of. Sadly, at that exact moment Azusa also had a little surprise, she had been eating burritos and her little Charlotte gave her the perfect excuse to cut the cheese and blame it on the pig.

"Oh my god!" Mikado pulled up his shirt collar to create a crude gas mask which temporarily protected his nose from the stench, a toxic gas had filled the immediate area. The smell horrible.

Azusa then held Charlotte before her looked her wayward pet straight in the eyes and cooed "did Azusa's little Charlotte have a stinky? Don't worry Mikado-chan will understand."

Ryoga was once again in hell. This had to be Ranma's fault somehow, he was sure of it

Later that evening…several hours later in fact Mikado was resting his muscles in his personal Jacuzzi when Charlotte bolted in and after a momentary struggle climbed over the ledge of the hot tub. Mikado momentarily wondered how Charlotte managed to make it from Azusa's 3rd story flat in LillyMu towers to the downtown apartment he shared with actor/roommate Mikey Simon. Of course the instant the little pig flopped into the Jacuzzi of Mikado Sanzein, the self proclaimed Emperor stared in shock. Before him stood a vision of beauty…and she was a blonde!!!

"Charlotte?" Mikado immediately protected his outward part before it….it was complicated, let's just assume that the sex obsessed, neurotic, professional ice skater was unprepared for his meeting with this fair damsel.

Ryoga was confused and disoriented, not that this was unusual after a transformation, staring at some one else through a mop of blonde hair that went down to her butt cheeks was. Staring like a deer in the headlights at the other occupant in the tub Ryoga's eyes bugged out when he realized the other guy in the room was staring at his chest. Looking down he realized why "EEK! It's Gone!" Ryoga momentarily looked for his um phallic extension, and realized that the search was in vain…" It's gone! WAH!" Ryoga Cried, of course, in his mind, as usual Ryoga had connected two and two and come up with fish. Ryoga knew immediately he had to find his tail! It was the only solution, his manhood depended on it!

Just then without warning Mikado Glomped onto Ryoga's legs. "Chalotte wait, as of today…I am your lover."

"What the hell is wrong with you! I'm a guy!" Ryoga then clonked him on the head a few times until Mikado let the formerly fanged martial artist go.

"Clearly you were a princess betrayed by your former lover, and cursed to become a piglet until you found your prince!"

"Puh- Prince? But I'm a guy!" Ryoga was now slowly backing away from the crazy man on the bathroom linoleum

"Allow me to steal a kiss from you and release you from this horrible curse" Mikado climbed out of the Jacuzzi wearing a speedo and then glomped onto the naked girl "…and then I'll let you date with me Charlotte! Doesn't that sound wonderful? "

"I'm not Charlotte! Now let go! mnnh" Ryoga-chan Closed her eyes and her body went limp as Mikado then kissed her, using the technique he had mastered while kissing a thousand girls. Then he let her go as she fell unceremoniously on her butt. when she looked up she was blushing.

"don't worry princess I'll take care of you. "Mikado then helped Ryoga to her feet and was then greeted with a swift kick to the groin.

"WHO SAID I WANTED YOU TO TAKE CARE OF ME!!!" Ryoga then made a desperate escape from the perverted Ice Skaters apartment wandering the halls naked… wandering the streets naked, wandering Tokyo naked… for half an hour. The police were eventually called in and the girl was fingerprinted, within a matter of minutes Ryoga was identified as Usagi Moonstone. Usagi had apparently been processed before for stealing a welcome mat that belonged to Darien Chiba, and was arrested trying to fence it through K-mart. It was Immediately clear Usagi wasn't exactly the brightest of criminal masterminds and the charges were eventually dropped...provided Usagi stay more than a hundred yards from the young college student of her obsession. They contacted her mother and Mrs. Moonstone would be there to pick up the poor girl within the hour.


	7. Chapter 7

Disclaimer: I do not own Ranma, Sailor moon or anything that looks like it belongs to somebody else, everything left over is mine to do with as I please .

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**A Twisted tale of Ranma**

**Chapter 6**

By Gabriel R. Lopez

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"What in the name of Bast is going on here!" luna cried. 

"C.C"

"Y-you can talk!" Sammy looked at Luna in a mixture of horror in amazement

"Yes, I can talk! Now what in the name of Bast is going on." Luna waited for a response "well don't just sit there. "

"Usagi brought home a crate of ramen noodles, that turned out to be a dead body, only it wasn't a dead body, it was some kind of shape shifting alien, and then um, and then she um, she beat me over the head with a dildo and tied me up with her underwear…"

Luna groaned "I think I've heard enough. who's the spore." By spore, Luna was referring to the Sammy clone who quickly turned into a girl when she or whatever it was got covered in apple juice.

"Ranma Saotome, I don't know much else except that he…she's an alien Usagi brought home disguised as a crate of ramen noodles." Sammy then watched as Luna approached Ranma-chan.

Luna didn't have time to sort out the ramblings of a crazy person, and if Sammy wasn't the only one who fed her in the mornings she would have killed him in his sleep ages ago. Luna cocked her head to one side at first to get a look at the 'alien' nope she's definitely human, and she definitely had a magical aura. which meant that with little effort on her part she could hack into the pink haired girls brain using her a crescent moon as a wireless transmitter. Luna's moon symbol on her forehead and eyes started to glow much as they had when she was reprogramming Artemis earlier. For a moment Luna was again grateful Artemis had swiss cheese for brains.

Ranma-chan was curled into a ball of shame and loneliness in the corner of a kitchen in a world of darkness and pain as she relived her childhood experience of being rubbed in pig fat, wrapped in fish sausage, bound with twine, and then forcefully thrown into a pit of demonic beings that tore into little Ranma's flesh. Ranma's father insisted that the Neko Ken training was for the sake of the art, but then again Genma Saotome was a sadist. What puzzled Ranma was that instead of a bunch of cats she was now being attacked by a hoard of vicious Pomeranians and Chihuahuas… cats were her friends it was dogs that were evil… the mantra repeated itself over and over again and Ranma was at a loss for remembering why she feared cats so much... She was also confused as to why she was a girl at the moment, but who the heck cares. The hounds of evil continued attacking her until an incredibly large black housecat with crescent moon symbol on its forehead leaped in front of her and created an incredibly cool looking force field around herself and Ranma.

"Ranma, I can't hold them off for long you need to defeat your personal demons on your own" Replacing one fear with another was child's play, what Luna couldn't allow was for Ranma to live in fear for the rest of her life. Ranma was still shaken and wounded from the attack of the puppy dogs and was scared to fight back, she was no longer bound in twine and the only thing that stood between her and the forces of evil was a talking housecat with superpowers…

"How?" Ranma asked. She was to terrified to think of a way to fight off the vicious Pomeranian army and their Chihuahua minions.

Luna rolled her eyes, and she thought Usagi was slow. Honestly, how hard could it be to fend off a handful of pocket rats.

"Hold out your hand" Luna had to drop the force shield a moment to back flip and summon a toy replica of the pink moon wand into the existence of Ranma's dreamscape. It did everything the real sailor wands did, except give the user an indestructible sailor fuku and magical powers…well there was that pink sugar heart attack, but that thing was about as useful as a a foam baseball bat. The wand fell into Ranma's hot little hand and Ranma stared at the stupid thing. How the hell was this supposed to help her fend off the forces of darkness. Ranma assumed she could use it as a club or something. After gathering the courage to strike one of the yippy dogs Ranma backed away in horror as the dog leaped toward her and was stopped again by Luna's force field.

"Ranma, pay attention, I want you to call out MOON COSMIC DREAM ACTION!" Ranma did as she was told and within a matter of sixty seconds her pink hair was in pigtails, she was wearing a magical leotard with a matching skirt, knee length boots, elbow length gloves. Ranma immediately wanted to kill the black moon cat when she remembered how much she liked wearing dresses and cats were her friends…ick ew! Ranma clutched her head she absolutely did not like dresses at all… it was as if someone was trying to rewire her brain without permission, and even if he liked dresses The outfit was hideous beyond all reason, who could wear something this stupid. Then she started thinking about how cute the outfit was and clutched her head. It was as if her brain was being possessed by a demon and anytime she tried to resist it was like the brain demon kicked.

"QUIT SCREWING WITH MY HEAD!!!" Ranma then clutched her head as she forced Luna out of the dreamscape. She immediately regretted this as she was then assaulted by the army of the angry puppy brigade.

Luna opened her eyes to see a growling pink haired girl staring her wearing a pink sailor fuku, "Oh Sht!" Luna thought when she recognized the girls posture, her pigtails were folded back and the girl for all intents and purposes was acting like a dog. Inuranma started chasing Luna around the house, barking at the bewildered cat and chasing her across the furniture and knocking over vases lamps and other breakable items in the Moonstone family residence.

Sammy was sitting there, on the floor, waiting to wake up as there was no way talking cats, shape shifting aliens, floating naked girls and barking sailor scouts could possibly be anywhere near reality.

Several hours later a Usagi Moonstone, was in a holding cell waiting for her mother… she had put up a lot of resistance when the police found her wandering around naked in the moral park a short distance from the Hino shrine. Moral park was well known for it's crazy homeless population, so somebody wandering the park naked was not uncommon. The police where called in because the crazy girl had been wandering the park asking random people to help her find her tail. .She was delirious, and to make matters worse when the police tried to arrest her all hell broke loose. For a while the police thought she was a Youma after she used her index finger to create an explosion, and the strange energy blasts she was shooting at the police during her first escape. Who knows what would have happened if it weren't for the Sailor Scouts showing up long enough, to provide a distraction and subdue the poor girl.

"Usagi?" Kikuyu and Usagi stared in shock, the pigtails were missing, and the bandanna around her neck was unusual, but when the drooling girl moved her head slowly to look her with a confused expression on her face… it was like looking at some bizarre reflection of her daughter well it certainly looked like Usagi, but Usagi was also standing beside her with an equally confused expression on her face.

"You're a nice lady" the heavily sedated Ryoga had been injected with enough tranquilizers to kill a small animal, it was a wonder the girl was still conscious as she stared at the Mrs, Moonstone.

"Who-who are you?" Usagi asked her doppelganger as she moved from her hiding place behind her mother and prepared to summon the moon crescent dil-wand, wand, wand, why the heck was she so fascinated with dildos all of a sudden, when did she become such a pervert…it had to be linked with those weird dreams she'd been having about a race of man hating she beasts lead by the evil Queen Senility. Once again her mind snapped back to reality after two seconds of wandering aimlessly.

Ryoga, having lost his manhood, and having been pumped with more tranquilizers than a small animal on death row; Communicating with Ryoga was like trying to make sense out of the ramblings of a crazy person. Discarding the blanket the police had given her to keep warm, Ryoga stood in all her naked glory and proclaimed like a drunken sailor "I'm the moon princess, guardian of the night, Defender of justice…" Ryoga then performed a series of goofy poses that were similar to the ones he had seen Sailor Moon perform through echo location. "and in the name of the moon I will punish you tee hee" Ryoga then lost her balance and fell on her butt in the interrogation room. The naked girl then had a blank expression on her face.

Usagi sweat dropped as her mother tried to cover her daughters clone with the blanket she dropped on the floor. Kikuyu felt really sorry for the poor girl. being a video game designer, and a known Trekkie, her mind wasn't exactly closed to the ideas of the paranormal… Maybe the strange girl being a moon princess was a little over the top, but in the back of her mind Kikuyu hadn't ruled out the possibility that the girl was from a parallel dimension or another world all together, perhaps the girl was her daughters clone sent back in time from the future, you never know with these sorts of things.

Ryoga then looked up at Usagi as she helped the wandering martial artist to her feet. "My name is Charlotte, I was a fairy prince chest curshed to turn into a pig until my prints comest tah recskew me bwah ha ha hah ha!" Ryoga started laughing like a crazy person. As crazy girl wiped away some of the drool that was falling out of her lip Kikuyu placed the police blanket over Charlotte's shoulders and the girl once again threw off the blanket.

"I don't need clothes you silly pershon I'm a just a cute lil' piggy Buckweeeeeeee!" the girl squealed.

Now that Kikuyu had thought it over, the strange girl may just be a crazy homeless person that looks remarkably similar t like her daughter." and her fingerprints are exactly the same as my daughters?" she quizzed the detective as Usagi tried to cover up her evil twin…Rei was the one who reported her evil twin, and she was sure that by tomorrow there would be rumors about her wandering the streets naked at school. Worse still the channel three news team was there to do a report on the Scouts and the whole world saw a naked Charlotte mocking them…there was no way in hell they would believe it wasn't her.

"well that's not entirely accurate, her finger prints were reversed, it's not that uncommon among twins. If your recall the hospital that delivered your daughter was involved in illegal child trafficking which is why you had to do genetic testing last year. Also there was an error among processing , as for her name, she has told us several including P-chan, Charlotte, and Ryoga Hibiki. The girl has nowhere else to go."

Kikuyu had a headache, her children's cousin Rini, or Ranma, or whatever the demon spawns name was, the boy just showed up out of nowhere. Her husband Armando filed for divorce and returned to America the previous year when he learned Usagi wasn't his daughter and hadn't bothered to keep contact so she had to take the little pink mutant for her word. It was just easier for Kikuyu to separate Ranma from Sammy as a girl otherwise the two were almost identical. The story of the Jusenkyo curses seemed a little far fetched, but it did explain the boy's condition, if not the complete and total destruction of her home.

"Do I need to sign anything?" Kikuyu asked, if the girl was her daughter's twin she had a responsibility to take care of her no matter how crazy the girl was. The Idea of two Usagi's eating her out of house and home didn't exactly thrill her…


	8. Chapter 8

Disclaimer: I do not own Ranma, Sialor Moon, or the rights to any anime domestic or imported. I do however own my own Ideas as crazy as they are

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**A Twisted Tale of Ranma**

**Chapter 7 (part 1)  
**

written by Gabriel R. Lopez

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Mikado had to get up early to go to the recording studio at 5am sharp. His manager had decided it was time to capitalize on his and Azusa's popularity by having them record a live performance of 'loving you' which would be simulcast live on channel three. After a brief meeting with the press, wherein he dedicated the song to Charlotte, Mikado regretted not chasing after her into the hall closet…I mean honestly, there was only one exit that he knew of, how was he to know that his closet was the gateway to Narnia. At the mention of Charlotte's name Azusa started crying like a two year old who had lost their favorite toy, fortunately once the managers bribed her with cookies the bi-polar princess forgot all about her widdle Charlotte. 

Mikado Cleared his throat "LOVING YOUUUUUU IS EASY BECAUSE YOU'RE BEUTIF-"

"What's this thing do? "Azusa asked no one in particular as she unplugged Mikado's Microphone. she then pulled a magic marker from one of her pockets and proceeded to draw Girly heart heart shapes on the camera...until she knocked over the tripod and the camera was destroyed except for audio. after a moment of static there was a jump-cut to an overhead shot of the Golden pair that had been rigged using one of the security cameras. Mikado was wrestling the marker away from the Azusa...

Why the Managers insisted on giving her sugar cookies was beyond all reasoning. Mikado was pissed, if Azusa ruined his chances of becoming the next J-pop Elvis- "AZUSA! Would you quit acting like a baby and pay attention for once. " Mikado forcefully took the pen from the annoying kleptomaniac and then looked directly at the flashing light on the security camera. Uh oh, Mikado lost his cool on national television, how could he pick up women if they all knew he was an insensitive Jackass, he could only pray this footage wouldn't find its way on you tube.

"Oh, so I'm a baby am I!" Azusa replied, drawing Mikado's attention from the camera, she stormed off into the control room cranked up the volume and blasted Mikado's ear drums with the most annoying sound in the world, which was surprisingly similar to her whining in her typical New Jersey or New York accent. Mikado having no experience with hearing curses in the English language assumed she was barking at him or something.

Elsewhere Ranma was giggling like an idiot as he watched the whole drama unfold on the Monstoone family's plasma TV, sure there was a large crack in the screen, left over damage from when Ranma went through the dreaded inu-ken. Stupid talking cat, stupid brain demon, stupid Hello Kitty posters in the guest room staring at him all night…it was a relief that for the moment he didn't have to think about anything except Mikado getting what he deserves.

Ranma munched on a dry cake of instant ramen. It was comfort food for Ranma, because when you are illegally traveling through China, the Philippines, Australia, Hawaii, California, other countries along the pacific, and your father doesn't feed you, you quickly discover how good a diet of uncooked ramen noodles can be …they were salty and crunchy and oh so tasty and best of all CHEAP!

Munchies were not however a solution to Ranma's current problem, Ranma was bored, really bored, it was 5 am and no one was up except him. About the only thing interesting he could think of was the crazy girl they dragged in through the front door kicking and screaming the night before. After the news the station aired an episode of Transformers Cybertron, Ranma spent the better part of fifteen minutes trying to figure out if Jolt was a boy or a girl. That's right, even Ranma Couldn't determine Jolt's true gender and gave up. Why he cared was another question that plagued the mind of the starving martial artist.

There was nothing left to do except wait for the rest of the family to wake up…lazy bastards.

Normally the first person to wake up was Luna, followed shortly by her slave. Sammy would wake every morning at around 6:30 clean the cat's litter box, feed the cat, and then he made himself a bowl of cheerios before sitting down in front of the television. Sammy completely ignored Ranma as he sat down next to the otherworldly martial artist until-

"what's up?" Ranma asked his recently acquired cousin

"AHHHH!" Sammy cried in shock as he threw his bowl of cereal at the shape shifting alien, who immediately turned into a pink haired girl "JEEBUS CHRIST YOU'RE REAL!!!" Sammy screamed

Ranma spit out a stray cheerio that had fallen to her lips as milk dripped from her pink locks of hair…stupid curse. Sammy's girlish screams of terror woke up his mother, caught the attention of a certain moon cat, and had absolutely no effect on Usagi whatsoever as she was peacefully slumbering in dreamland…no more of those naughty lesbian dreams for her. She was fantasizing about Jadeite…in a speedo.

Ryoga, unfortunately, was awaken from her slumber and was immediately traumatized when she realized she was still a girl… and she even didn't have any boobs to play with either "DAMMIT!" she cursed as she adjusted and closed her oversized pink pajama top. Wait, why was she wearing panties? Ryoga looked around her and noticed she was in a small bedroom, to her right there was a second unmade bed and on the walls were hello kitty posters, and an assortment of sailor moon memorabilia. An inspectiuon of the closet revealed clothes both male and female in an assortment of sizes ranging from pre-k to ones closer to her size…and a tuxedo that smelled of pickle brine. She momentarily tried to place where she had smelled the tuxedo before but gave up when she heard the sound of running water and had to go tinkle.


	9. Chapter 9

**Disclasimer:** I own the rights to everything I create...because I am American.

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**A Twisted Tale of ranma**

**Chapter 7 (part 2)**

By Gabriel R. Lopez

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Usagi was peacefully sleeping in her bed, ignoring the girlish screams of her little brother, and having a naughty dream of involving herself and Jadeite. Then the phone rang…stupid reality always invading her dreams, Usagi Groaned as she picked up the Cell Phone. "Hello?" Usagi asked knowing it could only be one of 6 people, two of which were living with her… Could it be Rei, Ami, Mina, Makoto? 

No, it was none of these people, it was a recording from a marketing company. "Congratulations!, you have been selected at random to receive one wish or miracle. We know you have lots of choices when you worship god, and you made the right choice by accepting Jesus Christ as your savior, please stay on the line and a representative will be with you shortly" the recording finished.

"God, it's too early for this." And, in Usagi's opinion it really was, I mean honestly who would call at such an ungodly hour as…Usagi looked at he alarm clock 6:45AM. "OMG! I'M LATE!"

At the same time Ryoga AKA 'Charlotte' had spent the last ten minutes looking for the bathroom only every door she opened lead to a different room…linen closet, kitchen pantry, water heater, garage. Eventually, Ryoga just stopped looking for the bathroom and kept opening and closing the Refrigerator door to see if the entrance would eventually lead to a bathroom. Upon opening the refrigerator the second time Ryoga witnessed Gozars realm, she quickly slammed the door of the fridge shut before anything came out, only to open it once more revealing Antarctica . Ryoga sighed and closed the door and opened it again to see the wormhole from Stargate, nope. She closed and re-opened the door again … the Dark kingdom… Narnia… the very hallway at a certain radio station where Mikado Sanzenin was quickly approaching her "My Love! You've retur-" SLAM …chills went down Ryoga's spine as she opened the door once more AHA! BATHROOM! Ryoga Quickly crawled through the door of the refrigerator and into the bathroom. "Thank God!"

Ryoga now had the awesome task of figuring out how to use the bathroom as a girl. Alas at that moment someone literally popped out of the toilet and Ryoga's limited control over her bladder muscles ceased to function as she screamed in terror. Had Ryoga been able to see the day before she would have known exactly who it was…but there was no mistaking the blonde aura. It was HER! " Hello there Usagi, I am Mara, Goddess of the past, Patron Saint of Justifiable Homicide; I'm here to grant you your fondest wish."

Ryoga looked skeptically at the blonde before him, could she really solve all her problems with a single wish. Couldn't hurt to try " ok, I wish…"

Meanwhile a diminutive old man stumbled upon Ryoga's pack, his name was Happosi, and he was a claims adjuster for the Japanese water authority. In his spare time he was the grandmaster of anything goes,and tortured the residents of japan by sneaking off into the night to steal his silky darlings; but right now he was on the clock… Inspecting the backpack he found an umbrella and several blank papyrus scrolls…no, wait, not blank, they were in brail. Being 300 years old Happosi's vision wasn't what it used to be, and fearing that he'd go blind, he had taken the opportunity to learn brail and several other languages…if these scrolls were accurate the happo darikin would be a whole new ball of wax.

Elsewhere Mikado was looking through the janitors closet of the radio station in a desperate search for his piglette princess. Where Could she have gone? As before there was only one entrance, and no other exits. Mikado realized there had to be a solution…then in the distance he heard the screams of a damsel in distress. Oh well, time to transform into Tuxedo Kamen and save the day. "Magical underpants of transformation, ACTIVATE." Mikado then snapped the waistband of his underpants and went through a standard 'pretty transformation of justice'.

However, back at the moonstone residence, Ranma once again walked into the bathroom without knocking and saw the toilet fairy, and the crazy girl…who had apparently wet herself.

" …I am Mara, Goddess of the past, Patron Saint of Justifiable Homicide; I'm here to grant you your fondest wish."

" ok, I wish-"the crazy girl started but he mouth was immediately covered over by the pink haired girl.

"don't do it, it's a trick!" Ranma hoped she had saved the crazy girl from suffering a fate worse than that of an ant under a magnifying glass.

"I can assure you the Goddess Relief hotline is a legitimate-" Mara tried to argue her point but the pink haired spore beat her to it.

"You mean the Demonic Greif office." Ranma snapped back. He was on to her little scheme, convince a crazy person to turn the world into a frozen wasteland or something.

Mara could only imagine what kind of evil the little spore must have done to know about the demonic grief office. "Who do you think you are?"

Ranma Chan then puffed out her chest "I am Ranma Saotome Heir to-" WHAMO! Ranma-chan was knocked into the toilet causing the porcelain basin to be destroyed. well, maybe not destroyed, but the hairline crack would start leaking eventually. Mara stared in shock as she saw the girl she had mistaken for Usagi pop her knuckles.

Usagi then smirked an evil grin "well, what do you know, Here I was going to waste perfectly good wish to find out what happened to you, and you were here the whole time… "


	10. Chapter 10

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Sailor moon or Ranma.**  
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**A twisted tale of Ranma**

**Chapter 8**

Written by Gabriel R. Lopez

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Darien Chiba had been orphaned at a young age when his parents, the Kuno's, died in a pineapple related automobile accident. Witnesses who saw the accident claimed it was just one of those things. Having been adopted by Setsuna M. Chiba and her husband Mamoru, the two renamed the young infant Darien. Darien was a bright boy, and had managed to attend college at the young age of seventeen. Darien was also a master Kendoist and had a reputation as the blue thunder of Jubban High. Darien was also an expert ninja, having trained under the best Ninjitsu masters in Japan, more notably among them Genma Saotome, and Soun Tendo. Darien and Genma had a falling out after the incident at Jusenkeyo. This was because Darian had been knocked into spring of drowned moon cat, and now darien spent more than half the day as a small grey talking ball of cute… the only things he liked about the curse was his shape shifting ability, if he concentrated really hard he could turn himself into a balloon, a pencil, or just about anything that weiged less than 3lbs. 

Darien also had unusual obsession with Sailor Moon and Akane Tendo… he would have them both. For now he settled for the more obtainable Akane. Akane didn't really love him. She just had an unhealthy obsession with his cursed form to the point where she insisted on calling him Luna-P, and buying things like catnip and yarn for him to play with. Granted he had a few more problems with Akane when that little blonde girl kept showing up. Akane had accused him of cheating on her and threatened to get Luna-p fixed. And, then the creepy blonde girl with pigtails started breaking into his apartment and stealing underpants, he caught her while he was in his cursed form, and she quickly apologized telling the kitty it was part of her martial arts training. The stalker girl then stole his welcome mat, and kidnapped Luna-P, by shoving him in her black sack, Darien was not amused. The straw that broke the camels back was the old man the girl was training under latching onto Akane in her attempt to rescue Luna-p from the blonde with pigtails. As the lecher grabbed onto Akane and started touching her in ways that made his nose bleed as he managed to claw his way out of the sack.

This was an injustice he would not stand for! So at night, in the presence of evil lechers, Darien became the Lunar Knight…which basically meant Darien dressed up as Aladdin and used a bed sheet as a makeshift cape. The latest threat to the innocence of women was far worse than the perverted master of anything goes and required him to become the Lunar Knight during the day… his name was Tuxedo Kamen, and he would strike wherever there was a damsel in distress. How dare he be familiar with his Sailor moon and then go on to casually flip his cool hair, throw roses, and flirt with every women he rescued. Dammit, why did Tuxedo Kamen have to be so much cooler than him. The two rivals would often fight side by side to defeat the latest Bad guy/Monster but when the papers started referring to the Lunar Knight as 'Tuxedo Kamen's goofy sidekick,' Darien was pissed. Granted he didn't have Magical powers, and he actually had to fight the monsters in hand to hand combat rather than throw roses at them, but he was not anyone's sidekick. He'd have cool powers too if he had magical underpants of justice. Tuxedo Kamen also had a magical thermos of coffee on him that he sipped on casually while Darien did all the hard work. 'It just wasn't fair!' Darien thought as he was once again knocked on his ass by the tentacle monster.

"I fight on!" Darien cried as he used the 'Cashew Armatige' attack in combination with his 'watermelon bokken' attack. "Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike! (insert Lightning bolt), Strike! Strike! Slice" the tenticles were all chopped off and the women were free of the monster's perverted touch, and just as he was about to land the final blow a single rose struck the monster and turned it into ashes. Kamen then flipped his hair and the ladies blushed as he winked at them from the rooftop of a seven-eleven. Kamen then blew a kiss and the women swooned as it started raining and the Lunar Knight seemed to disappear as well.

"THAT BASTARD!" Darien cried as his kitten sized body struggled to free itself from the Aladdin costume. Once free Luna-P rushed to the seven-eleven, poofed into a balloon, then poofed back into a cat once he was on the roof and started chasing after Tuxedo Kamen as fast as his kitty legs would carry him.

"HALT VILLAIN!" Tuxedo Kamen turned around to see the Lunar Knight's girly magical pet.

"What do you want now Darien?" Tuxedo Kamen asked the stray. The feline was just so darn cute with his little threats and his banter it was almost laughable.

"You dare treat me like a child! I am the undefeated champion of justice and defender of women." Darien called out in defiance, but it came out more like a child whining for food.

"okay?" Tuxedo Kamen was trying to figure out where this was going.

"A defender of justice must possess a noble soul , and be a great warrior!" Darien shouted his kitty face drawn in an expression of anger. "You sir, are a stain on the underpants of justice! I order you to take them off this instant!"

Tuxedo Kamen groaned, again "Tell your master that if he wants my underpants he'll have to take them from me."

"the Lunar Knight does not want your underpants. I dare you to mock me once more! Perverted fiend, prepare to meet justice!" Darien cried as he charged the Tuxedo Kamen only to be swatted away by his cane . If you think the idea of a 3lbs talking animal, versus a 165lbs man would be a one sided battle you would be correct. Darien attacked Tuxedo Kamen a total of 30seconds before finally being punted into lower earth orbit and crashing through a bathroom window. Darien's Feline instincts took over and he proceeded adjust his body so that he would land on his feet. What he hadn't anticipated was the slide on the warm puddle of…"ew!" as he gracelessly crash landed on the bathroom floor with a flip.

It was then the crazy stalker girl, the same one who had stolen his underpants, grabbed him by the scruff of his neck and shoved him in he face of a little pink haired girl. "It would appear fate has also provided me with the perfect weapon to destroy you Ranma! Bwa ha ha ha!"

Ranma stared at the feline in indifference. Clearly Ryoga had lost his mind, a Pomeranian may have defeated him sure, but cats were her friends. And then other programs that were rewired into her brain started taking over "SQUEEEL KWAII!" Ranma-chan grabbed the little fur ball and started hug him, and kiss him, and pet him cause he was just so adorable yes he was. Darien struggled a little bit but eventually gave into ranma's petting and scratching , it was like she knew just where to scratch him to put him in a state of bliss

Ryoga, also known as Charlotte, just stood there and gawked as Usagi walked into the bathroom slipped on a puddle of warm something and fell into Charlotte and in the process pinned her to the ground. Mara looked at the twins "Two Usagi's !"


	11. Chapter 11

**Disclaimer:** You know no one reads these things so why do we bother?**  
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**A twisted Tale of Ranma**

**Chapter 9**

Written by Gabriel R. Lopez

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**  
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Sammy was busy trying to clean up the mess of cheerios and chocolate milk from the designer sofa when he heard a commotion in the up stairs bathroom. Not wanting to miss out on the fun (ha ha), Sammy flipped over the cushion to reveal, another, even bigger stain that he covered over when he spilled a 40oz big gulp on the couch a week before… It was official he was dead, and this was hell. Realizing that the couch would require damage control he went to the kitchen and set to work reviving one of his sisters failed home economics projects. Opening the refrigerator Sammy moved several items out of the way until he came across a small storage container. Within was a poorly stitched teddy bear with angel wings and cord like tail that ended in a puff…it was a failed project partly because Usagi was trying to make a Pikachu doll and wound up with a cross between a teddy bear and a lion with fairy wings. After receiving an "F" on her project Usagi threw the teddy bear into the garbage can.

Normally the story would have ended there, but Sammy had fished it out of the garbage can in the hopes he might give it as a gift to his 'Sakura-Chan' for Valentines Day. It wound up biting him in the ass when he found a certain book at the library. Sammy was a geek, and like most geeks spent his lunch break playing trading card games with a small group of friends. Unfortunately, on valentines day all of his friends were with their girlfriends, and Sammy had chickened out on telling his feelings to Sakura. Sammy lacked a certain level of confidence most boys his age should have, Sammy had his own theories on this, mostly centered around the fact that he had pink backpack with the name Usagi written in permanent marker on it. His thoughts of being Mr. Lonely immediately ceased when he tripped on a small book and took an immediate face plant into the floor "ouch" he said as he adjusted himself into a sitting position and took a look at the offending hardback "Secrets of the Clow" was printed in English on the cover, he opened the book to see a some playing cards, "Windy?" Sammy asked no one in particular as a tornado engulfed the library… That was when he met Kero. Sam later learned that he was the re-incarnation of Sayoran a young archeologist apprentice that was the evil half brother of princess Serenity, and Blah blah blah it was his duty to retrieve the clow cards Blah, blah, blah cause world destruction and aid Beryl in the destruction of the moon kingdom. Sammy was not that evil, and took the first opportunity to stuff Kero into a Tupperware container and shove him in the back of the freezer. Of course Sammy waited until after Kero gave him the transformation key blade and he knew how to use it effectively.

Sammy opened the container and with a loud "GASP!" Kero came back to life and glared at Sammy.

"Kero, you wouldn't happen to know any stain removal spells would you?" Sammy asked

"I'll Swallow your soul!" Kero cried as he lunged at Sammy only to be stopped mid jump by Sammy's powerful grip.

"you know if you don't want to help me, I'll just stuff you back in the freez-YOUCH!" Sammy cried as Kero bit his finger. "Ok, that's it!" Sammy called out as he opened the refrigerator door and squished Kero's body between the frame…strangely there appeared to be a glowing purple wormhole on the other side of the door, Kero let go of Sammy as his body was slowly being sucked in by the refrigerator "bwah ha ha ha !, you may think you have won this round Sayoran, But you shall never destroy the forces of darkness! "

Several minutes later…

Jadite looked at Chibi- Kero "let me see if I understand this, you told him strait up that he was supposed to be an evil henchman of Beryl, and didn't bother to manipulate him at all?"

"why not, it's not like Sakura has accomplished anything doing the opposite." Kero argued.

"good point…" Jadeite then wondered why Sakura hadn't reported since the day before yesterday.

Jadiete showed Kero the Dark kingdom's latest capture, her name was Rei she was a libra and and enjoyed long walks on the beach and thought Mikado of the Golden pair was hot, "this is the shrine maiden we replaced with a youma several weeks ago, You can Imagine our surprise to learn she was one of the sailor scouts. Of course miss pigtails was starting to catch on so we had her removed. We are also using the opportunity to have the sailor scouts work for us, by having them locate Princess serenity, and aiding several operations.

"what makes you so certain that the princess wouldn't be living in the same home as Sayoran? They were siblings during the silver millennium and- "Kero stopped

"We've already researched that, other than the former Sailor moon, a girl who is not much brighter than our low level Youma, a brain damaged Mooncat who is barley competent, and a that cousin Ranma who Sayoran is living with, there are no other potential candidates for the moon princess…not unless Usagi has a twin or something." Jadeite was kidding of course.

At the Moonstones Sammy was sucking the blood out of his finger hoping he didn't get plushie cooties when the doorbell rang. Being the only person down stairs meant it was his responsibility to answer it. "um hello?" he looked at the girl through the mail slot curiously

"Hi! My name is Akane Tendo and my GPS says my boyfriend is here…with that HOE!"

"okay?" Sammy was glad he hadn't opened the door. That Akane girl was starting to foam at the mouth. "um, lady your boyfriend isn't here. you might try his apartment or something"

Akane Growled " His name is Darien Chiba"

"look, no one by that name lives here." Sammy insisted

"well if you see him tell him I know a pretty kitty that's going to get spayed the hard way." Akane was clearly unstable.

"Ok, If I see him I'll let him know" under his breath Sammy muttered 'Psycho'

"I HEARD THAT!" Akane yelled.

Upstairs another drama was unfolding…

"Two Usagi's?" Mara asked as if that was going to solve the riddle before her. Seconds ago a second Usagi with pigtails walked into the bathroom, slipped on a warm puddle and collided with the other Usagi. One who would have made her wish if not for the evil little pink haired girl and the grey kitten interrupting. " inie mini miney moe" Mara's finger was now pointing at the one on top "What is your fondest wish?"

"What?" the Usagi with streaming pigtails asked.

"ask me me for anything you want and it's yours, no strings attached no limitations" Mara responded.

"Seriously?" Usagi looked perplexed.

" sure" Mara smiled

" I wish" Usagi remembering the betrayal of her friends yesterday " I wish I had a best friend who understands my feelings and knows what it's like to be me."

"Granted" Behold a glowing light show as facial tattoos go glowie and stuff. The easiest way to grant her wish was to shove all of Usagi's memories into a body that was exactly like hers… Of course this meant Ryoga was hosed, as the memories of 14years of ADHD reinforced girly thoughts, the silver millennium, Kinky dreams and nightmares, were all forcefully shoved into her brain, and these weren't just memories, they were memories on steroids with sensory data of smell touch and sight. Within seconds Ryoga was confused and no longer sure of who or where she was and then felt as if she was struck by a lightning bolt.

"ouch" Mara winced as the lightning bolt removed any trace of the other girls previous personality, oh well time to leave these people to their mortal suffering.


	12. Chapter 12

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**A twisted tale of Ranma**

**Chapter 10**

Written by Gabriel R. Lopez

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Some people like getting up in the morning, Kikuyu wasn't one of them. She lay there in bed looking up at the ceiling and prayed that the snooze button would malfunction, a habit that she had passed onto her daughter Usagi. After getting rid of the crazy girl at the front door, and trying to figure out why all the food in the refrigerator looked like it had been sucked through a worm hole, and after deciding to burn the couch, and after trying to convince her new daughter 'Charlotte' that an army of time traveling gerbils working for Ranma hadn't crawled out of the toilet to remove half of her brain and replace it with that of Usagi's … and after Kikuyu told Rini that if she wanted to keep her kitty she would have to bathe the dirty thing, Kikuyu assumed the kitty peed on the bathroom floor while trying to escape from Rini, as the pink haired girl would not let go of the little bugger no matter how much the kitty struggled to escape, Usagi had slipped on the puddle into Charlotte, who banged her head on the bathtub, which lead Charlotte spouting off a series of paranoid ramblings mostly involving the number 23 and some place called the moon kingdom. Kikuyu wondered why she had even bothered to get up on this particular morning. 

Kikuyu had wanted more children, but this was ridiculous. Not only was she planning on registering her 'daughter' Charlotte in school, but after witnessing Rini's eating habits from the night before, not to mention the tail end of the Inu-Ken "incident" there was definitely no way she was leaving the little aquatransexual magical girl in her home any longer than necessary.

"EEEEEEEEK!" Rini cried running naked from the bathroom modestly covered by a bath towel as her pink locks of hair looked as if they were pulled out of a rats nest "THERE'S A PERVERT IN THE BATHROOM!!!"

'oh god!' Kikuyu thought, hoping that it wasn't her grandfather Happosi

"Wait, I can explain!" pleaded a young man who was trying to modestly cover himself with a hand towel. He looked remarkably similar to that Darian Chiba boy… Oh God Usagi had finally kidnapped the poor boy! Kikuyu had been wandering about the receipt for strong rope, lighter fluid, and petroleum jelly. She knew what she had to do…

"YOU HENTAI!" Kikuyu cried picking up the ladle and bucket that her grandfather had given her on her wedding anniversary. Kikuyu threw the bucket at the boy, and then started swatting Darien on the head with the ladle chasing him into the street. Boy, he was fast, but not fast enough Kikuyu then dipped the ladle into a barrel of rainwater and flung it at the boy as he attempted to hop over the stone fence. The water made contact and Darien instantly turned into his kitty self. Luna-P then crashed into the top of the stone wall and flopped to the ground gracelessly. His body was like Jelly Darien looked confused and as he clumsily got to his feet , he started walking sideways as the world kept spinning around and he fell to his side with a goofy expression on his face…

Darien quickly regained consciousness and struggled to free himself from the restraints as one of the veterinary assistants poured a bucket of hot water over his head. His eyes were now wide and open in shock. Why hadn't he changed back, everything that happened to him since hitting the wall was a blur.

" her name is Luna-p… the chip in her neck says she belongs to Akane Tendo in Nermia" The other veterinary assistant stated

"She had me chipped!" Dairien cried out in his cutsie kitty voice startling the two veterinary assistants. One of them punched in a few codes into the computer. "Strange, she doesn't seem to be registered as a magical pet, we'll just inform Miss tendo that she was run over by a car or something. For now, we'll just re-chip her and give her to the next magical girl that is uploaded into the system."

"But I don't want to be assigned to a magical girl"

"Oh you are so cute. An adorwable widdle sweetheart like you needs a magical girl, becawse you get to go on government assigned adventures to destroy evil monsters like Godzilla, and Barney. Won't that be fun?" the woman was talking down to him as if he was a child of two.

"Godzilla? ARE YOU INSANE! Unhand me this instant you fiends! I am not some girly magical pet you can pawn off on some naive little girl!" Darien Cried

" Wow, looks a new magical girl has been registered into the database already. Her name is Rini Moonstone, and you're in luck! Her profile says that she's half boy!" The assistant at the computer sounded a little to eager.

"WHAT! RELEASE ME THIS INSTANT! I REFUSE TO BE TREATED LIKE AN ANIMAL!" the grey kitten whined.

"but you are an animal." one commented.

"That isn't the point! I am not going to be a slave to anybody!"

" of course you aren't sweetie," she then winked at the other assistant " you're going to be her adviser"

"besides," the other commented, " we could always give you back to Akane with a lobotomy" that last comment sent shivers down Darien's spine.

Elswhere…

"Class this is Rini Moonstone she's a magical girl from America, and I'd like you to give her a big konichiwa welcome"

Ranma's left eye twitched. He just had to rescue that truancy officer from that fluffy pink elephant monster. After firing off a Moko Takashiba and attempting to slow the monster down using the yama-sen-ken he eventually broke down and used Ryoga's Bakusai Tenketsu Technique, causing the hairy pink elephant to blast him with a jet of water from his trunk, which turned the recently citified martial artist into a very annoyed pink haired girl. Nothing was working and Ranma was getting desperate …very, very, desperate and when the wand appeared in her hand she knew what she had to do with it, because cats were her friends Ranma's eyes became pink momentarily as several odd mental adjustments started to make her think that she would look so cute and heroic in the sailor fuku …no she didn't … yes she did…No WAY the outfit made her look stupi…adorable and think of all the kitties she could save.

"OK that's it, you big girly looking snufflufagus! You made me drop my Slushie, destroyed seven - eleven, turned me into a girl, and ruined my quality man time!"

"MOON COSMIC DREAM ACTION!" no sooner were the words out of her mouth then she transformed into the most powerless magical girl in the history of magical girls…and it didn't make her attacks any more or less effective than they were a minute ago with one eception "Sailor Moon Kick! Sailor Moon Kick!" Ranma now had the desire to call out her attacks in english as if that would make them somehow more effective ranma then used the Saotome indigestion attack, a sealed technique related to the saotome pull my finger technique. This of course lead to the now infamous "PINK SUGAR HEART ATTACK!" of course since the elephant monster had already been knocked unconscious by deadly vapors, the foam bat action of the wand was enough to cause it to fall on top of ranma and the pin her to the ground. Snapping out of her daze, she soon found that she was chipped and registered as a magical girl…of course she lied about her name, and age, because she figured she might actually escape. But for now she was enrolled in a government operated middle school for magical girls.

The teacher then looked at Rini "is their anything you would like to tell the class?"

Ranma then looked at the classroom, it was almost empty… the students all looked miserable, as if they had been zapped with a cattle prod one time to many. Ranma tugged at the collar around her neck wondering what she had done in her past life to deserve such a fate.

"Konichiwa?" Ranma said as she was escorted to her seat next to a girl named Miyako.

"My name is Gendo Akari, and in class today we will be learning several theories on how to destroy Godzilla…"

"um, has anyone actually defeated Godzilla?" Miyako asked and was immediately electrocuted through her collar

"no , but you are going to die trying anyway…you have no choice in the matter"

"But I don't want to die!" Miyako Cried as her collar started beeping and glowing red…


	13. Chapter 13

**A twisted tale of Ranma**

**Chapter 11**

Written by Gabriel R. Lopez

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Kikuyu had to stop at the seven eleven to fill the tank of her 2005 Toyota Prius with gasoline. Sammy was in the passenger seat wearing a pair of headphones and jamming to the latest 'hi hi puffy Ami Yumi ' CD, Usagi was reading a J-14 magazine in the back, and Charlotte was restrained in the back seat wearing one of Usagi's school uniforms with a straight jacket still claiming that Gerbils were stealing her brainwaves. Kikuyu had sent Ranma to the clerk with however much yen it takes to start the pump, minus the cost of a slushie. Waiting at the pump she got the ok' signal from Ranma who went back into the station and picked up an issue of Cat Fancy Japan flipping though the pages. Why he felt compelled to do so eluded him… Ranma put the magazine down and took a sip from his slushie as he heard the trumpet of a pink elephant roar. Momentarily looking through the double glass doors at the giant pink snufflupagus (with six legs, and a black horn coming out of it's forehead) Ranma stood there and wondered why he lived such a miserable existence as he noticed Kikuyu quickly get into her car and drive off.

Of course, having never seen a pink elephant before Ranma casually took a sip from his Slushie as the creature stampeded the store bursting through the wall… Ranma would have been impressed if he hadn't seen Shampoo do the same thing hundreds of times. The creature didn't seem to be setting off any of his internal alarms and he could sense danger within a six foot radius. For some odd reason it occurred to Ranma that six feet might not be the best safety distance to sense danger. Noticing the creatures eyes had an unholy glow Ranma soon realized that he had no idea where Kikuyu or her family lived.

"I am Mammon 90 the great Pharaoh 90's slightly weaker half brother, you will bow before me and call me your god!" pink snuffleupagus said in a very squeaky voice, Ranma momentarily looked around and noticed that he was the only one stupid enough to actually hang around in the store. Ranma wondered what people could possibly find scary about a giant pink elephant with pink fur and unicorn parts.

" um…No." Ranma then calmly took another sip of his Slushie and wondered if he should be doing something to stop the monster. It wasn't exactly rampaging or anything, and no one was actually going to pay him for his services. Plus, the monster didn't appear any more threatening to him than a kitten, he knew this because subconsciously his danger sense had associated the pink monster with a cat, and everyone knows cats are harmless…right? Ranma then noticed that the pink elephant summoned a small marble sized ball of black and purple energy at the tip of its unicorn like horn. It was very evil and dark energy that Ranma was now assessing to be at Pomeranian threat levels. Ok, clearly his danger sense was not working this morning. Ranma dropped his slushie and dodged out of the way of the incoming energy blast which destroyed the slushie and the entire backwall

"YOU BASTARD!" Ranma was upset, granted he hadn't exactly paid for the slushie, but still it was the principal of the thing. Ranma summoned his Ki and fired a "MOKO TAKASHIBA" heh, that'll teach him Ranma thought. The energy blast took with it the whole of the front half of the store, nothing could have survived that …well almost nothing.

"Vile Sorcerer!" the giant powder puff of evil squeaked " your attack are as nothing to one such as me" of course when a monster you are fighting sounds like a squirrel on a helium trip it's kind of hard to take him seriously.

"Oh yeah! Well Ranma Satome Doesn't Loose" This of course was a bold faced lie, Ranma lost fights quite frequently, and on a regular basis. Pantyhose had defeated him twice, Herb had defeated him a few times, Ryo Kumon had literally kicked his ass, Kuno had almost smite him during their first battle. Even Ryoga, an opponent lacking the self esteem of a gerbil, had defeated the great Ranma Saotome. Obviously all the blows to the head by Akane had affected his long term memory. Ranma was hopelessly out gunned in this situation, and would have to use the sealed techniques of his father to defeat this minion of darkness.

"STOP, DON'T MOVE!" the man had distracted both Ranma and Mammon 90 from the traditional Japanese pre-fight banter. Questions about what the man was up to ceased the minute thy noticed he was wearing a green spandex outfit with stretchy pants as he shuffled past the derbis of Mammon's previous attack.

"WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?" Mammon 90 asked his chipmunk voice screamed in outrage.

"I am Mighty Gai, representative of the Jubban school district!" Up thumb, tooth ping, goofy pose. "And you have detained this young man from his studies long enough. "

Ranma knew an idiot when he saw one… "um sir I don't think you know what you're up against." Ranma didn't either, but a monster as threatening as a Pomeranian couldn't just be left to run loose in the city.

"Nonsense the fires of youth burn strong within Me!" up thumb, eye wink.

"riiiiiiight." Ranma was seriously considering the idea of letting this guy kill himself.

"DIE MORTALS!!!" Mammon 90 cried as a ball of black and purple energy hurled itself toward Ranma and Mighty Gai. The attack might have been slightly more effective if Mammon 90 hadn't warned them, but Mammon wasn't exactly the smartest of Demon kings. Ranma pushed the truancy officer out of the way. He wouldn't have done it if he hadn't noticed a curious kitten that had chased a butterfly into the parking lot. Using Mighty Gai as a body shield Ranma used his other arm to snatch the kitten to safety before the energy blast created a big hole in the parking lot.

What followed was a battle in futility a few vacuum blades attacks a "Hyru Shoten Ha Revised: Kaiyu's Revenge" which was the standard dragon ascension attack combined with martial arts farting techniques. It was a wonder the monster was still standing. And then the monster blasted the aquatranssexual with water using its trunk like appendage for the first time. Transforming the now mucus covered martial artist into a girl.

"OK that's it, you big girly looking snufflufagus! You made me drop my Slushie, destroyed seven - eleven, turned me into a girl, and ruined my quality man time!"

"MOON COSMIC DREAM ACTION!" a sparkling transformation occurred after thirty or forty seconds… Mammon was in trouble now! Ranma was now wearing a pink sailor fuku leotard, with a giant 'aim here' bow on her chest, and she was pissed! "Sailor moon kick!, Sailor moon kick!"

Mammon was getting annoyed, sure the kicks hurt, but it wasn't any more painful than being hit by a car, which on his scale of pain was like swatting a mosquito. All he had to do was wait for the girl to stand directly in front of him, aim for the big red bow and- OH GOD THE STENCH! Mammon had thought the whirlwind of farts from before was bad, but this was positively lethal, the smell was so bad the paint on Gai's Daewoo was peeling off. Mammon 90 slipped into unconsciousness as the final insult to his pride occurred. The girl was mocking him by attacking him with pink cutesy hearts, he would never live this down on monster Island, he could almost hear Godzilla mocking him. Mamon may have lost, but he used the last of his strength to try and crush the girl under his massive two tons of girth. Unfortunately, he could only grab onto her with his trunk and use the last of his strength to pin her at the sight of the seven eleven disaster.


	14. Chapter 14

**Disclaimer: I the great blue thunder of Justice own not the marvelous Sailor Moon nor the fair Akane...I wonder why? **

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**A twisted tale of Ranma**

**Chapter 12**

written by Gabriel R. Lopez

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**  
**

Class, this is Rini Moonstone. She 's a magical girl from America, and I'd like you all to give her a big Konichiwa welcome.

Ranma's left eye twitched as she thought over the events of the last several hours. This was all Ryoga's fault. Ranma started tugging at the collar around her neck. Rini moonstone didn't exist, it was a cover story Ranma had made up on the fly when they stated interrogating her "Konichiwa?" Ranma was escorted to her seat by the man that reminded her entirely too much of her father.

"My name is Gendo Akari, and in today's class we will be learning several theories on how to destroy Godzilla"

"Um..h-has anyone ever defeated Godzilla?" a young girl with blond hair and blue eyes asked. her hair was sporting curly-Q pigtails and she seemed rather timid. A jolt of electricity surged through the girl's collar.

Sailor Pluto watched and smiled as she would finally be rid of the 'Avatar of Chaos' after eleven years of lobbying the Japanese government to do something about the magical girl problem … eliminating Ranma from the time stream had been a real bear of a job, and caused the entire timeline to hiccup. The automobile accident involving the Kuno's and the Saotome's had only delayed the child's birth, and Killing off the Kuno's hadn't really worked out, as she was now responsible for their offspring, which she renamed Darien.

Setsuna was forced to marry Mamoru, as a way to keep him in Japan, otherwise he would become an multibillionaire and use his finances to save thousands of people during the great freeze. Once Mamoru became the world emperor of an evil race of sexist macho men, all the women were soon turned into Stepford wives. Keeping Mamoru in Japan, working in a small cubicle, with no chance of promotion, no benefits, and a credit card debt that would take him a hundred years to pay off, would ensure his complacency whenever she founded NEO CRYSTAL TOKYO. Unfortunately, as a result Mamoru had become desperate for money one morning and had pawned his magical underpants.

Motherhood did not suit Setsuna, and so on Darien's sixth birthday she pawned her adopted son off on Genma. Genma would get an heir to 'Anything Goes Ninjitsu' on the condition that he get a vasectomy. This backfired, as after getting the Vasectomy Genma and his wife had a wild night of passionate love making, and Nodoka gave birth to a baby girl named Miyako Saotome 9 months later. Thus Ruining Pluto's plans for Neo Crystal Tokyo, which was way Better then Crystal Tokyo, even if it did cost the lives of Usagi Moonstone and Rei Hino to set the ball rolling. Of course no Usagi meant no annoying pink spore screwing with her in this timeline and OMGWTF!? Impossible! Trista…er Setsuna looked through the time gates to see the bane of her existence. The pink haired girl sitting next to Miyako looked almost like… Setsuna used the DVR feature of the time gates to replay the last 25 seconds.

Class, this is Rini Moonstone. She 's a magical girl from America, and I'd like you all to give her a big Konichiwa welcome.

"NO!NO!NO!NO!NO! She'll RUIN EVERYTHING!!!" Chibi- Usa Shouldn't even exist!

"Konichi--" Ranma started but was cut off by

"DEAD SCREAM!"

Ranma Dodged the incoming magical blast… "TRISTA!!!" Ranma doged several magical blasts before hiding under the teachers desk, as the green haired senshi continued to blast random time traveling pink haired magical girls. Thank goodness Ranma learned that Kage Brunshin Jutsu from that Gai fellah during her fight with Mammon 90, otherwise she'd be in a world of hurt.

Gendo Akari Glared at Ranma "DO YOU KNOW THAT WOMAN!?"

"Her name is Trista, she's fiancé number 682 or 683 … I cannot tell you how many times she's tried to kill me since we got engaged." Gendo was still trying to piece together why two girls would be engaged to one another, when he realized Ranma had snatched the collar transmitter. Ranma pressed the big shiney red button that released the lock on the collar, then she quickly removed her collar and placed it on Gendo's neck. Aiming the device at Gendo she pressed the green button and zapped him into unconsciousness all within less than three seconds. Ranma then popped out from behind Gendo's desk momentarily distracting 'Trista' "You can't get me, you can't get me. Nyah, nyah, nah, nyah, Nyah! "

"DEAD SCREAM!" Ranma dodged the incoming attack

"Wow Trista, your aim's a bit off."

"DEAD SCREAM!"

"MOON COSMIC DREAM ACTION!"

"…" Setsuna recognized that magical signature… it was one of those HECHO EN ATLANTIS knock off wands that had no real power. The pigtails and the imitation 'Moon cosmic heart attack' was sooooooo cute.

"For love and Justice my name is um…I'm…uh"…drat Ranma didn't have a Superhero name. Her mind was drawing a blank, and all she could think about was kittens…

"CHIBI- MOON?" Setsuna Provided.

" NO WAY! That's stupi…".Ranma's eyes glazed over and became pink "The coolest superhero name ever!!!"

Setsuna groaned "Let's get this over with, I have to kill Blondie over here next." Setsuna said as she held up a blond haired girl with pigtails quivering in fear by her shirt collar. All the other girls had left the room, and had taken the opportunity to escape.

"Let her Go!" Ranma Cried out defiantly.

"And how are you going to stop me little girl?" Setsuna had a sadistic look on her face and a gleam in her eye, a look many Youma would envy.

"um well…" Ranma was being forced to use her brain again…nope still filled with kittens and mindless girly stuff… " All right you sadistic transforming super witch" of course Ranma used the 'B' word " you asked for it! and on behalf of the moon, I shall right wrongs and triumph over evil. That means you."

'Wait a second, I remember this' Setsuna thought, ' where do I know this from?' Setsuna was experiencing Deja'vu, drawing a blank Setsuna then took her staff weapon and spun it around really fast…. "KUNG FU ACTION PLUTO POWERS ACTIVATE!" Pluto then transformed into eternal Sailor Pluto, this transformation lasted a full minute and gave her a magical power boost that was so powerful it gave her a manicure, a pedicure, painted her fingernails…massaged her back, got rid of that unwanted belly fat, and washed her dishes. At the end of this 60 second transformation she discovered Rini and Miyako had escaped. Oh well they couldn't have gotten far. Setsuna then adjusted her new micro mini skirt and skin tight sailor fuku and pranced into the hallway like a ballerina in search of the elusive pigtailed girls.


	15. Chapter 15

Disclaimer: I do not own Ranma, Sailor moon, or Naruto

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**A twisted tale of Ranma**

**Chapter 13 part1**

Written by Gabriel R. Lopez

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There is nothing scarier than a grown man dressed in a Sailor Fuku, or more specifically a man dressed as sailor moon. Ninja high school had been renamed Furry-chan High school in an effort to raise money for student programs … to add further insult the school was also required to run a student donation fund, wherein the students would donate money to see their teachers dress up as any number of things from Babies to Pokemon for the duration of the week. At the start of each week three cosplay themes were selected and at the end of the week, the theme with the greatest number of donations equal to a hundred yen or greater won… unfortunately, since the program started Kakashi Hatake was beginning to think he should have taken that job as a truancy officer. At this point wearing a green spandex jumpsuit seemed the lesser of two evils. 

"Class, this is Charlotte, she will be joining us for the remainder of the semester. Lets give her a big Ninja welcome, for love and justice" Oh god, if he had to wear this costume any longer he would have to start giving lectures about how the power of positive thinking and happy thoughts could boost the power of your attacks.

Sasuke glared, Naruto and Kiba blushed, Lee had a stern look on his face, Shino was wearing sunglasses, and Garra looked like he wanted to kill her…There were girls in the class also, but Temari, Ino, Sakura, Hinata, Neji, and Ten-Ten were unimportant secondary characters.

Ryoga was busy chewing at one of the shoulder straps of the straight jacket, before she realized that people were staring at her … Strangely the straightjacket went unnoticed as that red haired Garra kid she met earlier apparently had one also "uh Hi my name is Usa- Ryoga, but everyone thinks my name is Charlotte." Ryoga then shook some of her blonde hair out of her face. Those pigtails Kikuyu put her hair in were starting to get really annoying.

This caused a lot of blank stares. Kakashi looked to the sky silently wondering why he was responsible for a bunch of misfit ninja "Charlotte, take a seat anywhere you like."

Ryoga chose a seat next to an emo kid." Hi!" Ryoga greeted the boy cheerfully, before relizing that his cheerful nature was the result of Ranma's time traveling gerbils… and immediately she wondered why she had the desire to eat Ice cream, and flirt with the boy next to her. "CURSE YOU RANMA!!" she cried for no apparent reason once again calling attention to herself. Ryoga had o get ahold of herself…there was no way the boy sitting next to her would think she was cute, if he thought she was crazy. Ryoga immediately started chewing at the straps of her straightjacket again when she noticed the boy next to her staring at her so fondly with bedroom eyes.

Saskue, glared at the blonde hoping she would get a clue and bother Naruto or something. But it wasn't working. It seemed that the longer he stared at her with killer intent the more she would blush. What was wrong with her? Why wasn't she obsessed with Garra like all the other girls who had a death wish? His questions about Charlotte's sanity ended when Kakashi called out to him.

"Saskue would you mind helping Charlotte out of her straight jacket?"

"WHAT?" Saskue asked


	16. Chapter 16

**Disclaimer: I don't own the rights to any manga or anime at this time. **

* * *

**Twisted Tale of Ranma**

**Chapter 13 (part 2)  
**

By Gabriel R. Lopez

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"This way. We have to rescue Kaya! " Miyako gestured to Ranma as the two girls squirreled around the corner to reveal cages, rows and rows of animal cages. The animals housed in the government operated facility for magical girls looked starved and malnourished. Ranma could see that a handfull of dead animals had been skinned, and were laying in the corner with flys buzzing around them. There was also a tower of empty cages near the door which looked like it would collapse at any minute. 

"Kaya is an animal?" Ranma asked in shock, they were running form a homicidal maniac in a sailor fuku with green hair and absolute control over time and space, and Miyako wanted to rescue some stupid… "KITTY!" Ranma squealed in delight as she spotted Darien in one of the cages.

Upon arrival the room sent shivers down Darrien's spine, one of the cages even had a silver haired dog boy in red a feudal outfit. Darrien could hardly beleive his eyes as soon as the sedatives wore off and the room stopped spinning he would make his escape...at least that's what he thought a few hours ago, before the depression set in, and after laying there for a few hours, staring at the other animals in various states of decay, Darrien wanted to go home. Akane was evil, but this place made hell look like the LasVegas Hilton. Darrien had drifted of to sleep about 20 minutes before the arrival of ranma and her companion, he could only pray that someone would remember he was there. He could only hope he didn't look as pathetic as the dog boy accross the way.

Just as Ranma, who was currently in a not quite authentic sailor outfit of justice, approached the rusty cage to liberate Darrien; a clawed hand, that was in definate need of a manicure, grabbed onto Ranma's leg "KAGOME!? Is that you?" the thing asked in desperation. A normal girl would have melted at the gaze of the Dog monkey's big puppy dog eyes. Unfortunately for him Ranma wasn't a normal girl, said girl was getting flashes of pomeranians nipping at her and scratching at her and Ranma knew she had to get away " d-d DOG!!!" the pigtailed girl jumped away in fear, Ranma then backed into the cage which held a sleeping Darian and jostled the poor animal awake.

"Oh god no!" Darien snapped fully awake when he recognized a certain pigtailed girl within the proximity of his cage. clearly hells zip code had relocated itself in Japan. The same girl who's mother had chased him out of their house this morning for being a pervert. The same girl who had an unusual obsession with…she was opening the cage, he might actually escape this time!!! Unfortunately, as he rushed out of the cage digging his claws as deeply as he could into the pink haired demon child's cotton poly blend sailor fuku, he found himself in the dreaded jigoku no yurikago… DAMMIT! How did this girl know Genma Saotome's most devastating attack. That bastard swore he wouldn't teach that technique to anyone. The jigoku no yurikago was quite possibly the most devastating attack in the Saotome arsenal, after the crouch of the wild tiger. Basically, the attack was a grappling move that involved cradling the opponent like an baby while cutting off the air supply. Where as the crouch of the wild tiger involved begging for your life before your opponent killed you…and there was the Saotome secret technique, which was used in the most extreme circumstances, and that involved running away from a fight while screaming like a little girl.

Ranma opened the cage and hugged her little moon kitty. "Did that scary dog man hurt you kitty?" Ranma squeezed Darien until he started turning blue... maybe until he stopped struggling. Meanwhile Miyako had liberated her own feline companion and was holding him like a sack of flour. Kaya was a black cat and there was nothing special about him except for the fact he had one blue eye and one green eye. Miyako grew pale and her eyes shrunk into pinpricks. Ranma was about to ask her what was wrong, but ranma would learn what scared the poor girl soon enough, then without warning "Hello girls." Ranma froze and slowly turned to see Trista in her eternal form…the first thing ranma noticed was the wings, there was no way Eternal Sailor Pluto could move very fast with those huge suckers hanging there making her look like a Christmas angel. The wings would probably get caught on something. Ranma then smirked as she hatched a plan and dropped the now unconscious body of Darien to the floor.

Ranma rushed the green haired senshi and then cried out "SHOOTING STAR KICK!" knocking Setsuna to the floor… the clawed hand of Inuyasha, the dog monkey boy grabed onto one of the senshi's wings and pulled it into his cage faster than a raptor gutting its prey. Inuyasha had already taken a large bite out of the time senshi's chicken flavored wing as Ranma grabbed Darien's limp body. Ranma then knocked over the tower of tetering cages on top of Sailor pluto. Ranma and Miyako then escaped into the hallway with their magical cats in tow... Darien's body was limply slung over ranma's shoulder.


	17. Chapter 17

**DICLAIMER: I don't own the rights to any anime mentioned here in... however the rule of thumb is my ideas are my own.  
**

* * *

**A twisted tale of ranma**

**Chapter 13 (part 3)**

Written by Gabriel R. Lopez

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The small bundle of fur in Ranma's lap was slowly starting to regain consciousness. If one were to describe the look on it 's face, confusion, would be the first words to to come to mind. The half lidded cross eyed look on the poor creatures face would definitely be enough to let you know the lights were not exactly on up stairs. Something was not right here, something was wrong, it was as if in one moment there was an eternal peace and the kitty felt as if it's body had turned into foam, it's thoughts had turned to jelly…and now the kitten's ribs hurt, and it felt as if it's head had been smashed against a brick wall… now the kitty felt like a big hunk of dookie sitting in a litter box, she then let off a pitiful wail. Life was just really disappointing. The two girls, the kitty , and Akamitsu-kaya were in the center of a pentagram made with the blood of a girl named Satsuki, and her little brother… of course Neither Ranma, nor Miyako bothered to ask where Kaya got the blood in the first place. 

"oh thank you Kaya!" Ranma cheered. And reached over to pet Kaya's adorable little- Kaya backed away from the creepy pigtailed girl's advances. Kaya may not have been the brightest of ego maniacal demonically possessed housecats, but he knew crazy when he saw it.

"she's breathing again" Miyako chorused noticing that Kaya was keeping himself just out of arm's reach from Ranma.

"Don't thank me just yet kid." Kaya, as usual was acting as if he didn't care about anyone but himself. "I didn't do it for you, she was like a bonfire of fear the entire time we were in that pet shop of horrors. I haven't eaten that good in decades, not to mention all the other animals were too stupid to be afraid."

"really, even the little dog monkey in the feudal outfit?" Miyako asked.

"especially the dog monkey. I'm not saying he's stupid but-" Kaya stopped as noticed Ranma some how managed to move closer to him without using her arms or moving her lap. C .C Kaya looked at the strange girl with pink hair. The girl was clearly possessed by an evil spirit, no normal human could move like that. Had Kaya known better he would have realized Ranma was using the dreaded kung fu action tea ceremonial techniques ,which Ranma had learned because one of his few 'Male' fiancé's didn't want to marry a monkey girl. Actually Ranma's whole fiancé mess was a little strange, with all the fighting and strange sexual positions, it was a wonder Ranma knew her own name.

the grey kitten with a crescent moon on it's forehead batted Kaya on the nose with her paw, her head was cocked to one side and the vacant look on her face made the scene that much more comical.

"kitty confuse, please explain." the small moon cat had pretty much explained the feelings of everyone present at this point…including the author. Of course, while cute kittens in mental distress are distracting, it wasn't enough to distract Kaya from noticing Ranma's hand reaching out to touch him.

"Touch me and DIE!" Akamitsu-kaya hissed while displaying a battle aura.

"Ok, no touchy" Ranma backed off, but not before Kaya scratched her… Unfortunately this was enough to cause the last effects of Luna's brainwashy to go bye bye. Now full memories of being wrapped in twine while being smeared with a fish paste made from wet cat food and tuna and thrown into a pit of starving cats echoed through out her mind…but now the cats were working with Chihuahuas and Pomeranians…and there leader was a familiar black cat with a crecent moon on her head.

Akumitsu-kaya backed away, his earlier assesment that ranma was possessed was indeed accurate. Ranma was possessed by the most evil of demons from the spirit world… violent and evil creature of all time, more evil than the emo- squirrel of anti-Starbucks propaganda, more Diabolical than hello kitty, and way smarter than Inuyasha , Kaya, Miyako, and one seriously confused kitty cat were about to pray for mercy from the dread spirit… Ryo Ohki.


	18. Chapter 18

**Disclaimer: all anime characters belong to their respected owners.**

* * *

**A twisted tale of ranma**

**Chapter 15 (part 2)**

By Gabriel R Lopez

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"Oh Sayoran, I knew you'd rescue me," Miyako gleefully cheered as she squeezed a very male Ranma in a bear hug. "but why are you dressed like Ranma?" Miyako puzzled aloud. 

"That's because I am Ranma!"

"you-your Sayoran!" the little sparkles in Miyako's eyes dimmed "Awe, I thought You were a boy. "

" I am a boy, It's really complicated, I just this stupid curse thing and"

"I get it you're a hermaphrodite!"

"No, I'm a boy. I just look like a girl sometimes."

"so, you're a pervert."

"I AM NOT A PERVERT!"

"yeah huh, You like dressing up in girls clothes an you're a boy. That makes you a pervert."

"It's a curse, I only look like a girl when I get wet…wait, that actually does sound kinda' perverted."

"See"

"look I'm a girl when I'm a girl, and a boy when I'm a boy. That does not make me a pervert."

"Suuuure. I bet you like wearing pretty dresses too"

"Oh shut up."

Ranma's left eye twitched. Stupid curse, he must have switched genders like fifty times throughout the day, and even more surprising, no one noticed. who wouldn't notice something as odd as a boy dressed in a bright pink miniskirt? Maybe there was a disguise field or something that made it less noticeable. He had noticed his chestnut pigtails were still long, and there had been something seriously wrong with Ranma's henshin pen since his/her relapse into the Neko Ken. His memories and personality went back to normal after that steam pipe exploded. But, for some strange reason the batteries to his morpher died and wouldn't allow him to take off the sailor scout uniform. Unless Ranma disrobed the old fashioned way, he was stuck wearing the stupid sailor fuku, as running around naked in public, wasn't an option. Whatever, he'd worry about it later, at least the day was half way over with… he could return ho- Dammit he still didn't know where he was or where the Moonstones lived.

About the only thing good that came out of the whole mind numbing insanity was the cute little pet squirrel he adopted….actually it wasn't a squirrel, it was some kind of alien shape shifting cat thing that suffered from multiple personality disorder. Sometimes the squirrel thought her name was Satsuki , other times she claimed her name was Darien, and at times she referred to herself as Kei. The poor creature had tried to kill Kaya, Miyako's pet demon, several times within the last four hours, but only when Darien or Satsuki was in control. While Ranma was afraid of cats it wasn't an overpowering fear as long as the cats weren't in physical contact, or attacking him he didn't care what they did…he just avoided them because he didn't want them rubbing up against his legs…the very idea sent shivers down his spine.

It was about lunchtime and Miyako and Ranma were outside the gates of some prissy parochial academy for catholic school girls… 'oh great, lots of luck finding a decent pair of pants in there.' Ranma thought to himself. Although a short sleeved T-shirt would be better than the top of a scout uniform. There was no way he was going back to being a girl again today if he could avoid it.

"Hey Miyako, could you wait here a second while I get some clo…uh food?" Ranma asked, the thought of telling her he was planning to slip into the girl's locker room to get a T-shirt and a pair of shorts (if they had any) set off a series of internal alarm bells that he had picked up from his experience with Akane.

"How are you planning on breaking in?" Miyako asked, and immediately gasped as Ranma hopped over the fence in a single bound. Ranma then turned and peered at Miyako through the fence.

"Just wait right here okay." Ranma then bounded off toward the main building.

Once inside Ranma realized he was winded, it was official, Sammy Moonstone's body sucked. How could anyone get by with the average body of a twelve year old boy, when Ranma was twelve he had to run 15 miles in the snow, barefoot, while being chased by grizzly bears and starving wolves in the California wilderness. This Moonstone kid had it easy …lucky bastard.

Once inside the Girls locker room Ranma made quick work of the combination locks of several lockers grouped to the back many were empty, but of the twenty or so lockers three had clothing. One had a white t-shirt with hello kitty printed on the front, another had a pair of oversized bright red canvas shorts with a golden heart for a button, and the third locker had a pair of manly looking sunglasses. One thing was certain hello kitty was definitely preferential to the ugly scout uniform…and hello kitty's bow matched the shorts perfectly.

Ranma then heard the sound of hundreds of girls crowding into the locker room "oh Crap!" he thought as tried to make himself invisible…


	19. Chapter 19

**Disclaimer: I do not own Sailor moon ranma, nor any anime mentioned in this series **

* * *

**A twisted tale of Ranma**

**Final chapter**

Written by Gabriel R Lopez

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"Bwah ha ha ha ha ! Ryoga is P-chan and Usagi " the crazy girl broke into hysterics…anyone familiar with the girl would know her name was Akane Tendo " hah hahhahahha Ranma is Chibi Usa and Darien's just a cute little kitty bwah he he he he ha ha HA HA hee hee" Akane then laughed so hard her insides hurt. Ranma watched as the orderlies at the Crazy home for girls hauled Akane off to the insane asylum… That poor delusional girl. Ranma knew this was the result of the Blog that he started shortly after the events that brought him to this world, actually he managed to start ranmaslifesux. jk 3 days after he was transported to this world. It was strange that by chronicling only handful of events the number of people breaking into insane laughter had doubled. 

Ranma wasn't entirely computer illiterate, but with the help of a mouse he was able to set up the account and post his Blog with few problems. Strangely enough the mouse was named Brain, and Ranma had rescued the poor defenseless mouse from the clutches of Kaya, the demonically possessed cat owned by Miyako. He insisted that the mouse was evil and that he would be doing the world a favor, but Ranma took one look at the poor little creature and felt pity…much as he had for the little grey squirrel with a crescent moon on its head, it was just amazing how much squirrels and kittens looked alike… and since Darrien, Satsuki, short bus or whatever could never agree on her name Ranma just started calling her "Foamy." Because Foamy the squirrel was one crazy little mutant.

Brain could speak, and convinced the pigtailed martial artist that they should try and take over the world… although he would insist on calling Ranma Pinky just because after Ranma was malleted into a Japanese spring of drowned girl which Ironically enough was located underneath the girl's locker-room at some school called Furrychan High… a pig cannonballed into the spring after him and now both Ranma and Ryoga are permanently female for however long that lasts…Ryoga was trying to get away from the vicious care bears that live on the moon. Apperently in this reality, Care bears are these vicious communist little suckers that force people to be happy whether they want to be in a state of happiness or not. Of course being in a constant state of depression Ryoga attracted them like moths to a flame.

Funshine was known as the reaper, because of his sunny disposition, no one saw their death coming until it was too late. Funshine suffered from a multiple personality disorder, which was over looked, because both personalities were especially cheerful, the childish innocence of the one personality was more than compensated by the violent cruelty of the other. The real threat from the care bears was grumpy bear, he had earned the nickname Scarface because of a huge scar that went through his right eye… and he had a habit of saying "Say hello to my little friend" before pulling out his machine gun and blasting everyone who wasn't happy with his candy heart launcher. Of course in every group of communists there's that one dissident…we'll call her Cheer bear. Cheer bear, who despite her name was not that cheerful, was the leader of the Democratic Care bear Militia and was an undercover American operative fighting the war on terror.

Fortunately, Ryoga's directional curse kicked in when she entered the girls bathroom and wound up in Mikado's dressing room…5 miles away, where Mikado chased her around for a while before she told him she was in love with another man…heartbroken Mikado vowed he would not allow it, and vowed he would demand satisfaction from this Sauske fellow in a duel. Ryoga found this so romantic she swooned into a hall closet and tripped over a mop in a bucket of water triggering her other curse turning her into a small piglet, Ryoga then wandered into a dark corner which opened a portal back to FHS in time to see Ranma crash through a skylight into the girls locker-room.

Ranma, who had been launched from the girls locker room in Saint Hibachi's school for girls across the street with a mallet was then pummeled on by more girls for being a pervert…and he was still wearing that hideous pink sailor fuku. Of Course the fun really began when the floor capsized and everyone fell into a sinkhole formed as a result of the school using the water from the underground spring to fill the school swimming pool. The school was short on funds, and using the spring water was an economical decision they regretted earlier that morning, after the boys from Class C all mysteriously turned into girls, among them Naruto, Garra, Sauske, Shino, Lee…

The mysterious disappearance of the perverted boy was credited to the sailor scout in his place…Rini convinced them that the boy had stolen her sailor fuku in order to impersonate her, a story she had barrowed from Miyako. In Miyako's version however the villains where mutant monkey boys, Ranma convinced them it was a flat chested cat girl, and for some strange reason the girls felt guilty for assuming it was a boy.

Just Then

"Rowar! I am Mammon 90 I have returned from monster island…fear me!" of course Ranma and Ryoga took him down as quick as humanly possible…which was still pretty darn slow when compared to the speed the monsters are dispatched by normal magical girls. And Ironically enough Ranma and Ryoga caused more damage than the monster himself, having destroyed all schools and businesses in a 3 mile radius. And then Myako showed up and called up some kind of bubble attack and Mammon 90 was safely encapsulated in a giant bubble. The sailor scouts didn't interfere because they were lazy, and Mammon 90 wasn't on they list of baddies yet…in fact he wasn't on any monster lists assigned to regular magical girls…until now.

On that day a "new" magical girl team was formed….the Tokyo Wrecking Crew which consisted of Miyako, Ranma, and Ryoga, three magical pets (Brain was assigned to Ryoga), and an assignment to kill the most feared monsters in all of Japan, Pikachu, Hello Kitty, Barney, the Care Bears, Godzilla, and Mammon 90. Watch out boys, ready or not here they come.

The End

Epilouge: Brain and Ranma eventually took over the world using Ranma's blog and Hypnophonectic writing to cause mass hysteria. Ryoga discovered a cure to the jusenkeyo Curse after giving birth to Mikado's baby… he was caught cheating on her with Sauske…it was awkward. Foamy is now living happily with all three of her personalities even though two of them are boys. Usagi used the power of her moon cressant dildoh…er wand to defeat the sailor scouts and stuff, and her brother is still annoying and girly.

A/n: hypnophonetic writing is writing that is so confusing it has to be read aloud, supposedly it can be used to control people by placing hypnotic suggestions into the subconscious mind… any way I'm going to leave now.


End file.
